Men and Women

What a struggle. Men, women. Women, men. Our roles are so messed up in today's culture. Men don't want culpability. Women don't want it either, but so many have to deal with it through single motherhood, then we botch it up too. Men are leaders at work, classic aggressors. Women want to be, but lead through manipulation. Then you have those who swap roles. We base love on looks and feelings. We both have sex freely, in the name of love.

Read this post at desiringgod.com today, and thought it had a great quote about men and women:

"So should we try to rewind the tape and try to squeeze every woman back into the “Leave it to Beaver” mold? No. We can’t hope to get womanhood right until we understand the ultimate object to which it points. When God created male and female, He provided an object lesson—a parable, as it were—of His entire redemptive plan. Men are to reflect the strength, love and self-sacrifice of Christ. Women are to reflect the character, grace and beauty of the Bride He redeemed. Ultimately, womanhood exists to help display the masterpiece of God."

That is amazing. What is womanhood? It can't mean what I think it means because my definition is so twisted based on my own failings as a "woman" (whatever I define that as). It MUST be defined by God's definition, and how true to use the example of the Bride and Christ. The bride, in many circles, is defined as the church, but it seems to me that marriage itself should reflect this relationship as well.

Character, grace, beauty. Which I don't have (as myself), but through Christ...I have it all.

No Soliloquy in Softball

My poetry is weird. Basically I slap words that sound good on a page.

The kid is doing ab exercises again. What is wrong with her? Justin-bieber-playing, neat-freak-loving, athletically-fit and sensitively-smart kid. Nothing's wrong with her, that's what.

She had a good softball game tonight. Three hits: first two she got a double with, the last she hit straight to the pitcher and didn't get to first in time. There's not too many people that can beat her, though; she runs like the wind. In the outfield, she missed a fly ball at center, but she was trying to make a running catch. Still, I think that got her a bit. The game itself though...a nail-biter. We won, 14-13, against a very good team. They were up 6-1, we caught up and pulled ahead, then they tied, and in the 7th inning, we held them after getting that extra run. What a game!

I LOVE softball season. And no, there's no soliloquy in softball, it's all team.

Heaviness and avoidance

Not wanting to admit
Hiding from probing eyes
Wearing a sanguine mask
Industry occupies

Running and avoiding
The encroaching twilight
Praying for lifted burdens
Pressing in their might

Show me Your sovereignty
Fill me with Your grace
Not my will, but thine
Rest found only in Your place.

Tiredness = Whacked

I kept thinking "Ima gonna cut you" today. And I wanted to poke toothpicks in eyes. I need to sleep. Still a bit of funk from yesterday. I was pretty mean (for me) to some folks in email. I could have passed for Dwight Schrute, almost.

Got to spend some time with some sweet little girls and mine tonight for K's softball game. Little girls talked about softball, funny parents, Justin Bieber, and divorce. Leave off the last topic and it's ideal.

Funky Cold Medina

I used to listen to Tone Loc. A lot.

I'm in a bit of a funk tonight. Thinking about my girls graduating and moving on. I am going to miss them desperately. I pretty much do everything I do, for them. What's next? Too hard to contemplate in the haze.

When I'm in this mood, I just want to be left alone. I don't want to talk. I don't want to socialize. Trying to keep from biting people's heads off.

Dark density envelops the heart
Pain clouds can't be pushed away
Hidden and suppressed enemies lie in wait
Maudlin desperation at the forefront

Deliver me, O God
Focus my thoughts on You
Draw me near and embrace me
See in me Your Son and not my sin

Alternate Universe

I had a few days off last week where I was basically a mom. I didn't have to do my traditional 8-to-5 gig. I actually made dinner. I wrote a few cards. I read two books and read magazines. I cleaned the kitchen. I played with my kids.

This was, of course, a vacation. I know there is more that's going on when you're a stay-at-home mom, particularly if you have young children. But let's say I became independently wealthy. What would I do with myself? Would I keep the same stress levels because I want to stay busy, feel important, be somebody? Would I teach my kids about those things that stay-at-home moms seem to know how to do? (becuse I certainly don't right now) What are those things anyway, lol? Cooking, sewing, gardening? I maybe cook two meals a week. That's kind of stretching it. The girls know I hate to sew and have resorted to asking their friends' moms for these favors. Gardening is something I want to do but I'm so sporadic, and kind of have no knowledge on what needs to happen in a garden. I'm telling you, though, my girls know how to do some chores. They're workers.

Would I pray with my kids more? Would we talk more about literature? Would we talk more about music? Would I take them to more plays or concerts? Would we play chess? Or Scrabble? Would we volunteer more? Would we actually have time to scrapbook?

All the things I want to do...but haven't made time for.

What Were They Thinking

Every work day for the past year I drive to work on a fairly busy road. Today I looked over to my left and happened to notice a business called "Frigid Service and Sales." Wouldn't you think twice before choosing that as the name of your business?

Hunger games

Finished reading the first Hunger Games novel (written by Suzanne Collins). It was addictive, literally. Read it in less than a day. It's sort of a Lord of the Flies meets Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (competition-wise, anyway). Easy read and an interesting commentary on government, and how it can turn murder to sport given the right sort of persuasive tactics. It made me think of early Christians and their public maulings by lions and vicious animals. That type of sacrifice with a pure lack of bitterness could only happen with the Holy Spirit present.

Celebrity mania

Various conversations this week.

K: "Mom, I really want to meet Ludacris. When is your sister going to invite us to meet him?" (my sister lives in Chicago and has been to a party with Cris).
Me: "I have no idea."
K: "I want to meet him. He would totally love me. Black kids love me!"
Me: "bwahahahaha"
K: "Mom, Justin bieber wants 4 children like I do. He is totally copying me. Maybe we're just meant to be together."
Me: "Lots of people want 4 children. You are not meant to marry him. Ugh."
K: "If I can't meet Justin Bieber, I want to meet Cris. I can see me and him riding in his pimpin' car, drinking root beers."
Me: "um. What kind of world do you live in?"

In the still of the night

In the dark silent moments
Noiseless thoughts glide
Heavy, ponderous, indicting
Attack from within

Desperate for guidance
Redemptive searching begins
Frantic, grasping, fretful
Paranoia sets in

A rock stands alone
Unconscious secret pulling
Steady, unmoving, strong
Grace offered, regardless of sin

Gratitude with caution
Curiously frightened reaching
Chagrined, humbled, released
Joy with tears, and we begin

What Occupies

I think about my girls quite a bit. They occupy many of my daily thoughts. What they are doing, what I have not done for them, how special they are, how special they don't THINK they are, what they will be like next year, what they were like 10 years ago, and about what I need to do to make their lives better.

I think about work a good bit. What we must do to survive, my brainiac co-workers who I am in awe of, the ones that drive me nuts, the ones that I can laugh with, and I think about problems I need to solve in code. I admit that sometimes I like to mull a problem over in my mind for good while before I realize what I need to do. I like mulling.

I think about my parents. I think about their age, and how I will be there one day, how they are not believers, how I may not see them become believers (and how I might), how they raised me and did the best they could.

I think about my sisters. They are so different from me, yet they are like me in many ways.

I think about my church. I am so at home there, and it is such a family, yet I also at times I feel left out and alone, and I think about how all of us members must feel that way occasionally, and I think about how I love the men and women that I learn from there.

I think about my friends. I think about the ones that were in my life for a season, the ones that I rely on, the ones that I miss, the ones that I want to just visit with, the ones that I would go dancing with, the ones that make me laugh. I have such amazing friends.

I think about my marriage. I think about how lucky I was to have it and how things are ok now.

I think about my future marriage. I await it with great expectations even though I haven't dated since my divorce. I still approach the throne of grace knowing that it will happen again someday.

I think about myself, my sin, my gifts, my faults, my life in 10 years, and my life 10 years ago. I am blessed.

These are the things I pray about.