My life has its difficult moments. I get frustrated for various reasons: motherhood, career, family, church. Lack of maturity, lack of grace, lack of humility. Relationships with anyone...frustrations with everyone. Yet there are times when I see rays of light. I saw one such ray of light on Sunday.
10+ years ago, I went to a fellowship group at my friends' house. I had some dear friends named Bryan and Kathy that shepherded our group; they'd been walking with me as I struggled with my husband leaving. I struggled with asking him to leave. I wept at home, I wept at work, I wept going to sleep. Those had been private weepings because I didn't want to admit my weakness and my absolute despair that my marriage was ending. At this fellowship group, I was surrounded by some wonderful church friends. That fellowship group was the first one that I attended since I'd been separated. And as I stated my prayer requests back then, I broke down, weeping publicly. Kathy came over and hugged me, allowing me to say things that I don't remember. No one judged. Everyone cared. And everyone prayed for me.
I've been going to fellowship groups off and on over the last ten years. My shepherding elder has changed. My church has changed. This past Sunday night, I brought someone that I am dating to my group. I've never done that before; I've always gone by myself. I hadn't even been the one to invite him, my shepherding elder had invited him, yet it felt right. And as we begun to pray, I was overcome, I nearly broke down again in tears - remembering back to my brokenness and weeping over a destroyed marriage.
God had given me a gift. An insight that there are still possibilities for me. My romantic life didn't end at 30.
No one there knew this. I didn't announce it. It was just a beautiful moment. And I'm grateful.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
Sensitivity, and why I try to care more about it
I made someone cry today.
I don't know this person very well. However, I make decisions that impact their daily life. I have to sit in judgment on how this person acts at work and does their tasks at work. It's part of my job. I also am not going to sit and just tell someone my opinion without trying to at least back it up with proof. Sometimes, that can be difficult.
I've been reading a bible study guide called "True Woman 101" by Mary Kassian and Nancy Leigh DeMoss. We are making a youth bible study out of it. And guess who's leading it up? First of all, you should question the sanity of a church that allows material called "True Woman" to be taught by a faux-Indian-divorced-single-mom that goes to DragonCon. What is that about, anyway?
You would think, after all the studying I've been doing on women lately, that I would understand by now that my womanhood has special meaning in the eyes of the Lord. The guide talks about how the unique characteristics inherent in manhood and womanhood can glorify God when brought together. Yes yes yes! We are equally and wonderfully created in the eyes of the Lord. We come from the dust of the earth, and we are made in His image. This truth is easily forgettable in light of, well, just waking up in the morning. Just breathing. We're weak clay vessels.
When I go to work and have 10,000 things to do, I forget this. I remember that I have authority. I remember that I can tell people what to do. I think that it's okay for me to say, "this is in the top five worst list and here's why." Yes, I did say something like that today.
If you've never had anyone cry in front of you while you tried to be constructive, be glad. It's humbling to know your words can have such an impact. It's scary to think that you might ruin someone's day. It's also important that your words are heard, because you might actually have something to say. What I tried to keep in mind was, "this person is fearfully and wonderfully made." I prayed before this meeting. I don't know if it helped. I have to trust that it did.
I don't know this person very well. However, I make decisions that impact their daily life. I have to sit in judgment on how this person acts at work and does their tasks at work. It's part of my job. I also am not going to sit and just tell someone my opinion without trying to at least back it up with proof. Sometimes, that can be difficult.
I've been reading a bible study guide called "True Woman 101" by Mary Kassian and Nancy Leigh DeMoss. We are making a youth bible study out of it. And guess who's leading it up? First of all, you should question the sanity of a church that allows material called "True Woman" to be taught by a faux-Indian-divorced-single-mom that goes to DragonCon. What is that about, anyway?
You would think, after all the studying I've been doing on women lately, that I would understand by now that my womanhood has special meaning in the eyes of the Lord. The guide talks about how the unique characteristics inherent in manhood and womanhood can glorify God when brought together. Yes yes yes! We are equally and wonderfully created in the eyes of the Lord. We come from the dust of the earth, and we are made in His image. This truth is easily forgettable in light of, well, just waking up in the morning. Just breathing. We're weak clay vessels.
When I go to work and have 10,000 things to do, I forget this. I remember that I have authority. I remember that I can tell people what to do. I think that it's okay for me to say, "this is in the top five worst list and here's why." Yes, I did say something like that today.
If you've never had anyone cry in front of you while you tried to be constructive, be glad. It's humbling to know your words can have such an impact. It's scary to think that you might ruin someone's day. It's also important that your words are heard, because you might actually have something to say. What I tried to keep in mind was, "this person is fearfully and wonderfully made." I prayed before this meeting. I don't know if it helped. I have to trust that it did.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Home
When I was young, I was dissatisfied with my home. This is a bit embarrassing to admit, because my mom did try to invite my friends over on birthdays, and she liked to throw parties for our Indian friends. I usually helped her clean the house while she prepared all sorts of Indian foods and snacks. Papadum, lentil fritters, pakora, puris (appetizers); rasamalai, carrot halva, gulab jamun (desserts); rasams, kooras of ALL sorts (main dishes). It's amazing that I can recall this because my memory is so hazy from those days. But the smells and flavors from those dishes bring back many memories. I also thought that when mom cooked, the house just plain smelled. And by that I mean, not in a good way. Man, was I ungrateful.
As a teen, I didn't understand why we never had American friends to dinner. I only invited a couple of people of my age over, and when we did, we mainly watched movies and played on my Atari 2600. When we had Indian parties, the men would stay in one room, and the women would stay in another. There were political and sports discussions in the men's area, and there were family and children discussions in the women's area (and maybe some gossip). I know, this is extremely stereotypical, but that's the way the parties occurred with the Indians in Montgomery, Alabama. The kids usually needed a different room to cavort around in, and cavort we did. We played games, played outside if we could, and we also...fought. We would try to have a sort of a wrestling match, usually girls against guys (if our parents caught us at this, we'd sometimes get in trouble). I was the head of the girls, usually; big surprise, right?. We had a timed effort where we would just pound on each other. I feel stupid even typing this. I will admit that this stopped around the time we were around fourteen. Thank goodness.
Once I had my own kids, I've had different people over to my house. Not often, but I have. Usually, it's the girls' friends. We've had birthday parties for the girls, of course, but I'd try to have their friends over to spend the night, and I'd try to take them out places sometimes sinceI don't have a ton of activities at my house, either. More than my parents, for sure, but no pool or large activity room. Which I think is fine.
I've realized as my girls are older that home is more than a place. It's a feeling, too. It's a sense of welcome. It's a desire for real friendship, not fake or surface fellowship. It's a hope that you can be real in front of others, instead of having "company" manners or habits. I would hope that if my house is a bit cluttered, my real friends wouldn't judge. My main struggle on having friends over is that I have a hard time letting go of the "tasks" that need to be done. I would like to not worry about doing things right. I'm getting better at it. If the bread burns, I usually just shrug my shoulders. If I don't have exactly what's needed for serving tea, it's okay. If I don't have dessert, I'll make the best of it.
I love this post by Tim Challies on having people over. I hope I continue to do this even as my children grow up and move away. Don't even like to think about it, but it's happening as we speak.
As a teen, I didn't understand why we never had American friends to dinner. I only invited a couple of people of my age over, and when we did, we mainly watched movies and played on my Atari 2600. When we had Indian parties, the men would stay in one room, and the women would stay in another. There were political and sports discussions in the men's area, and there were family and children discussions in the women's area (and maybe some gossip). I know, this is extremely stereotypical, but that's the way the parties occurred with the Indians in Montgomery, Alabama. The kids usually needed a different room to cavort around in, and cavort we did. We played games, played outside if we could, and we also...fought. We would try to have a sort of a wrestling match, usually girls against guys (if our parents caught us at this, we'd sometimes get in trouble). I was the head of the girls, usually; big surprise, right?. We had a timed effort where we would just pound on each other. I feel stupid even typing this. I will admit that this stopped around the time we were around fourteen. Thank goodness.
Once I had my own kids, I've had different people over to my house. Not often, but I have. Usually, it's the girls' friends. We've had birthday parties for the girls, of course, but I'd try to have their friends over to spend the night, and I'd try to take them out places sometimes sinceI don't have a ton of activities at my house, either. More than my parents, for sure, but no pool or large activity room. Which I think is fine.
I've realized as my girls are older that home is more than a place. It's a feeling, too. It's a sense of welcome. It's a desire for real friendship, not fake or surface fellowship. It's a hope that you can be real in front of others, instead of having "company" manners or habits. I would hope that if my house is a bit cluttered, my real friends wouldn't judge. My main struggle on having friends over is that I have a hard time letting go of the "tasks" that need to be done. I would like to not worry about doing things right. I'm getting better at it. If the bread burns, I usually just shrug my shoulders. If I don't have exactly what's needed for serving tea, it's okay. If I don't have dessert, I'll make the best of it.
I love this post by Tim Challies on having people over. I hope I continue to do this even as my children grow up and move away. Don't even like to think about it, but it's happening as we speak.
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