Let's not grow up too fast

K just asked me to explain what a "nympho" is.

This has not been the only time that my youngest has asked to explain a term that is, well, something related to sex or the way our society views sex.

She told me that her peers in middle school used to make fun of her because she didn't know a term or a phrase. She's the kind of person that would not be afraid to say "what? I don't know what that is?" where other people might just smile and act like they know what's going on when they don't really.

I used to get mad at these kids that made fun of her. I realized, "I'm not sad that she didn't grow up worldly. So what if I didn't let her or M watch PG-13 movies til they were 12? And then tried to protect them from R-rated movies?" I think too often, our youth have too *much* knowledge of things that shouldn't really matter until they get older.

I used to think that maybe if I had homeschooled her or sent her to our church's classical school then maybe she wouldn't feel so weird (as if those kids are just all innocent about things like this all the time). Then it dawns on me: where she is, and who she is, is sovereignly ordained. She is going to a public school, she is somewhat naive, she has to ask me what terms mean, all for a reason. Because I was somewhat naive, because I raised her, because I work; I am her mother because God made it so.

Still, I don't want her to grow up too fast. But I'll still explain these terms when she hears them.

Things that make me cry

Here's the idiotic thing. I have a hard time crying in front of people. When I'm by myself, I can cry in big, gulping sobs while watching "Beaches," but with others, a tear might fight its way to the corner of my eye and that would be it. I'm emotionally frigid when it comes to my friends.

Still, I do feel tears well up at the weirdest things. When I had M, I stayed home for a little while before going back to school. I would watch "Price is Right" because it reminded me of being young and spending summers at home. I would, for no explainable reason, start crying with happiness for winners. Really? No, I wasn't hormonal. I still feel overwhelmed when I see people win game shows through mere chance.

I was thinking about this stupid fact and itemizing other things I cry about. Here's an incomplete list.

1) Jesus and what He did.
2) My kids. Good or bad.
3) Game shows.
4) Beaches/Steel Magnolias/Star Trek (don't ask).
5) Tragedies/death.
6) Firing someone.
7) The show "Parenthood." And "Price is Right."
8) Thinking I messed up or being accused of something.
9) Divorce and watching people go through it.
10) Weddings.

There you have it.

Lost!

I recently woke up in the middle of the night and sat straight up in bed. If someone had been watching it would have been really spooky, I imagine. I guess that would be doubly spooky because I sleep alone and no one should be watching me sleep! Anyway, I had been dreaming of little M and thinking I had lost her. Thankfully I went back to sleep almost immediately but I woke in the morning knowing the dream had happened and feeling really unsettled.

If you've babysat children and have lost them, you might have an inkling of understanding what it's like to lose a child. I remember when the girls were little and K used to LOVE hiding in the clothes racks when we went shopping. I would have panic moments, wondering if she had been stolen. I'd call her name, and she'd giggle, hiding the whole time in the middle of the circular display of brightly colored shirts. This happened often at "Limited, Too" which is now very similar to a weirdly-named young girl's clothing store, "Justice." I used to yell at her because didn't she know how worried I was? Don't do that!

The panic of losing your child and imagining some irreparable harm coming to them is one of the most horrifying, nightmarish feelings of a mother's whole life. Usually the first minute is spent thinking, "don't panic don't panic don't panic" and then after that minute it is "panic panic panic." Then, the utter relief you feel when you find them after that second minute is ridiculously jubilant and angry at the same time. Doesn't she know?

If you have children, I am guessing you know this feeling.

I wonder if I now feel this because my children are both getting ready to be adults. I wonder if the sense of loss over their childhoods is now manifesting itself in dream-lost-panic. I know, this is a bit too psycho-analytical. It was probably just a bad dream.

Not enjoying, getting through, and making it

Life is pretty crazy for me right now. Most of it is work-related. I can't seem to spend enough hours in a day working. Always behind, my project failed and that was kind of embarassing, but I'm having to move forward because that's what we do, and I'm trying to be chipper.

It's an endless game.

Sometimes I leave work on Fridays and feel like I am starting my "real life." I don't have to wear a fake mask of "I'm okay, you're okay." The mask is probably is not a good thing.

We have non-religious phrases for people that are going through hard times in lives that are not really tragic but are intended to express empathy.

• "Are you making it?" (How are you really doing, is it misery?)
• "Sorry you're having to work so hard." (I'm glad it's not me.)
• "Sucks to be you." (Okay, this is said by just one guy I know, and I personally hate this phrase)

In other news, I was recently given a book by my dear friend Lynn. It's called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I have started it but haven't finished it yet. It is about expressing thanks for your daily blessings. But even more than that, she ties the thank-yous to what Paul found even in the hard times: "eucharisteo", which is Greek for thanks. I'm not going to sit here and tell you it's the most amazing book I've ever read. She is an amazingly descriptive writer, which I enjoy, but I did struggle with a couple of her thoughts in her chapter on "hard eucharisteo." I think she makes a good point, though, that joy can be found in all things by viewing it with an eye towards finding the thanks in it. "Rejoice always! Pray constantly. Give thanks in everything, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thess. 5:16-18)

I know that anytime you try to find something to "apply" the gospel in our life we will try to make it more than we should, because really, the gospel is about what has already been done for us. However, thanksgiving is something that I sense is part of receiving the gospel so at least trying to practice thanksgiving is important. Voskamp makes a really good point that it takes discipline and practice to be able to have an eye towards being thankful.

I also read Lynn's sister's blog. Lynn's precious nephew Joseph died a few years ago due to brain cancer. Her sister writes from the heart and is no stranger to digging deep and clinging to the One that gives her everything. The blog I read today is about this very topic. It's a sign! Ha.

So, I would like to try Voskamp's exercise: writing down, every day, the joy of small things. The small things that we love, that we are grateful for, even when they might be annoying. Even when I'm just "making it" at work.

Failure

I think most people over the age of 16 know that you learn the most from mistakes, from misfortune, from failure.

That doesn't make it easier when you do actually fail.

I've been involved with a pretty intense project the past six months and today we were told that we weren't going to make our planned release date. And part of it was related to my piece of the project. I know it wasn't completely my fault, but my nature is to accept the blame and to then make it even more my fault than it really is.

I was thinking about failure and how we deal with it. There are some like me, that stay on an endless guilt trip. Then we have those that want to take the blame and shift it. We also have those that want to twist the blame and make someone pay for it, or wreak vengeance. There are the avoiders, too.

Because we are on the side of the fall that errs on the side of sin, we're going to do all of the above. I mean, for Pete's sake, this was evident after Eve ate the apple. Eve shifted the blame, so did Adam, and Adam tried to hide, and so on.

I realize that work failure is one thing, but personal failure is another. With personal failure, I have noticed that I can play the blame game. I know my children have said they feel like they are always the one that messed up. Some of that may because I am the Mom, but some of that is because I do get defensive.  

Intellectually, and thanks to the gospel, I understand that incorrect reactions to failure happen. In my heart, I need to accept that the failure is there to learn from, that it shapes me if I can see it for what it is, and that I must allow for God's sovereignty in the failure if I didn't do anything morally wrong.

I'm still not at peace yet about this.