I haven't written in a while, and it was mostly because A) I felt like complaining; or B) I'd already written what I was thinking about; C) my life was taken over by volleyball.
Last week K finished her last volleyball games for the season. Two tournaments occurred. The first, here in town, ended in a five-set thriller against Northridge High School which they lost in the last game, 15-13. It was a sheer three hours of screaming and being obnoxious. They played the best I've seen them play all season. The second, in Huntsville, was a match against Grissom High School which was over when it started. K said it's really hard to be pumped against a team that they had no bone to pick with. Still, K is thinking about not trying out for volleyball next year. She may change her mind. I hope she does. I love watching the girls play.
Before heading to Huntsville, I stopped by Montgomery. Okay, really it wasn't on the way, but it was such a quick trip that I felt like it was a pitstop. I went to see my sister and my niece who flew in to spend time with my parents. My sister threw my mom a 75th birthday party, which is exactly something my sister would do and exactly something I was too self-involved to think about. Sigh. Anyway, I did at least socialize with all of the Indians that my mom invited. A few of them I have known since I was nine. It's a little awkward, actually, since I'm 41 and I'm not the same person I was back then; and I also find their children a little weird too. I'm sure they think the same thing about me. I am a Christian, after all. My niece was in good form, not just for the party but for the entirety of my visit. Every time I tried to talk to her or hold her, I was treated to a look of skepticism or a whimper of pain. She is very mom-clingy right now. I take that back, she was that way in March too, so maybe she just reacts that way to me. Anyway, she's cute as a button, but mainly she shows that when her mom is holding her.
I took two days off when doing all of this. Seriously, you cannot put a price on vacation time when you are feeling burnt out and angry about work. And also when you're looking forward to annual reviews. Do you feel the next blog subject coming on?
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Cover Her Face
This is the title of a crime novel by P.D. James. Agatha Christie also used it as a possible title for one of her novels, but James ended up publishing first. It's a phrase that I associate with scariness, sin, and death. I know, it's another positive blogpost...
When you come face-to-face with your own sin, and you realize it, do you find it shocking? Do you find it disgusting? Do you cringe in disbelief? Or do you make excuses? And then you fight believing that you are in the wrong?
I had a phone call with a co-worker this week where this person basically called me out for a good ten minutes on my rudeness. And the thing is, I had been rude. Not just that day, but in previous months leading up to that moment. In previous emails, I'd been really blunt and impatient. I get frustrated with this person's lack of grammar, lack of ability to put together a cohesive email that makes sense, and inability to understand my subject area at work. And I knew it while I was on the phone. I have been getting more and more frustrated about it, and I've felt a lot of anger about it. So even though I was "blunt" in my previous emails, in my heart, it was more. My heart was black about what this person didn't do well.
I'm not going to lie, in the phone call I tried to point out the fact that this person was a bad communicator. But that's not what the phone call ended up being about, it was really about this person calling me out. And I realized right at the front that I needed to apologize, that my first apology might have been disingenuous, and that any constructive criticism was not going to be listened to in the waves of the hostility I felt coming from the other person. It was not a phone call that ended well, it was upsetting, and I asked how many times I could apologize. In a sarcastic manner, I might add. 70x7?
I have really thought about this a lot over the last few days; I can't seem to let it go. I want to prove that I was right, that I was the bigger person, that I was better. And that, too, fills me with shame. I know, I know, I know I'm supposed to be sanctified through this, but I almost don't want to be.
I read this from Romans 7 this weekend and found it comforting:
"14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."
Who will deliver me from this body of death, indeed.
When you come face-to-face with your own sin, and you realize it, do you find it shocking? Do you find it disgusting? Do you cringe in disbelief? Or do you make excuses? And then you fight believing that you are in the wrong?
I had a phone call with a co-worker this week where this person basically called me out for a good ten minutes on my rudeness. And the thing is, I had been rude. Not just that day, but in previous months leading up to that moment. In previous emails, I'd been really blunt and impatient. I get frustrated with this person's lack of grammar, lack of ability to put together a cohesive email that makes sense, and inability to understand my subject area at work. And I knew it while I was on the phone. I have been getting more and more frustrated about it, and I've felt a lot of anger about it. So even though I was "blunt" in my previous emails, in my heart, it was more. My heart was black about what this person didn't do well.
I'm not going to lie, in the phone call I tried to point out the fact that this person was a bad communicator. But that's not what the phone call ended up being about, it was really about this person calling me out. And I realized right at the front that I needed to apologize, that my first apology might have been disingenuous, and that any constructive criticism was not going to be listened to in the waves of the hostility I felt coming from the other person. It was not a phone call that ended well, it was upsetting, and I asked how many times I could apologize. In a sarcastic manner, I might add. 70x7?
I have really thought about this a lot over the last few days; I can't seem to let it go. I want to prove that I was right, that I was the bigger person, that I was better. And that, too, fills me with shame. I know, I know, I know I'm supposed to be sanctified through this, but I almost don't want to be.
I read this from Romans 7 this weekend and found it comforting:
"14 For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. 15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."
Who will deliver me from this body of death, indeed.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Mom
My mom is 75 today.
I have a lot of moments where I just think my mom is just nuts today. When I visit, she's a little loony, she gives me all kinds of crazy gifts to go home with, she can't remember things sometimes, she's always talking about how everyone is not good but we are the perfect children, and boy, she really has trouble with cooking.
But here are some other random memories of me and my mom.
I have a lot of moments where I just think my mom is just nuts today. When I visit, she's a little loony, she gives me all kinds of crazy gifts to go home with, she can't remember things sometimes, she's always talking about how everyone is not good but we are the perfect children, and boy, she really has trouble with cooking.
But here are some other random memories of me and my mom.
- I remember that my sisters and I used to sit in front of her, every morning before school, and she would braid our hair in plaits. She would sing songs and tell stories from India. She really has a pretty singing voice.
- I remember she would hold my baby sister and how she would rock her back and forth in her arms. Every mom does it a different way, and I remember watching her and thinking it seemed like home.
- She used to have perfume and a china doll on her dresser when I was little. I used to love going in her room and looking at it.
- She really is not good at cleaning/organizing. When we had parties with Indian friends, she would spend all day in the kitchen cooking and I would straighten up the living room.
- I remember reading a book called The Westing Game in 5th grade. It was a mystery and it scared me so much. I couldn't sleep in my own room so I would sleep on the floor of my sisters' room with her. Not just for a night, but for a solid year.
- I remember when she trained me to drive, she would pump an imaginary pedal when in the passenger seat and I didn't brake soon enough, and it would make me crazy. I also remember driving home with her in the passenger seat one day, and telling her that I hated her. I am ashamed at this memory.
- I remember when she got news of her dad dying, or her sister dying of breast cancer. She is very emotional, and she would cry and wail openly, loudly, dramatically. I would stare and look away. She seemed so foreign in her grief. I realize now this is similar to what the Israelites did when they tore their clothes in their grief.
- When I was in elementary school, I would be laying on our black couch when I was sick. She used to give me medicine, and I used to love tricking her and pretending to drink it (I would tell her to go to another room and I would pour it in the seat cushion). I have no idea how I ever got well. She was so naïve.
- Mom always, always ate last. Dad was served first, we were served next, and she would eat afterward, quickly, so she could clean up after all of us.
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