I must admit that lately I've been waking up in the middle of the night and having a hard time going back to sleep because I keep thinking I haven't done my job as a mom. I see myself in about 11 months, dropping K off at college, and wondering what happened.
It's enough to give you nightmares.
My immediate family is one of deep thought. We aren't going to be satisfied with a simple answer. And I know that when we struggle, we deeply struggle. We want to understand the whys, the hows, and for whom. We look ahead to what we want to do, what we want to be, and who we want to glorify. Sometimes we forget to enjoy where we are.
KK and I have been talking about where she wants to go for college. She has a deep love for God, knowing she strays from that, and she doesn't always trust that He will keep her and allow her to persevere. But she tries. And she's thinking hard about missions. She wants to make a difference. I love that. The fact that she has this desire, this deep caring, in spite of my weaknesses as a mother, is a testament to God's faithfulness.
M has been pursuing a nursing degree, and this semester is her first intense semester in a program that accepts only 4.0 students. She keeps on going, knowing she's a little unsure, but stepping forward in faith after having had three years at school where God worked out so many things in her, and built a community of believers around her, which she desperately needed. Again, God is faithful.
I have dear friends that have moved across this continent to an urban area, one where there aren't many believers, but where the need for the gospel message is great. They are stepping out on faith, knowing there are uncertainties, knowing God must provide financially, knowing that God must protect their children, yet knowing God has been faithful in providing all of this so far.
I have friends who have lost loved ones, who also have stepped out in faith, and I see evidences of God's glory in their lives.
I have known since I became a single mother what God wanted me to do. He wanted me to raise these girls, as imperfectly as I have been, and allowing my mistakes in His providence. And I wonder what I will do when that moment comes, when I drop the youngest off. It will be hard.
I have been reading in the latest TableTalk magazine about the ordinariness of the Christian life. It's so un-American. It's definitely not about "Your Best Life Now." Its about 1 Thessalonians 4, when Paul talks about what pleases God: "9Now concerning brotherly love you have no need for anyone to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love one another, 10for that indeed is what you are doing to all the brothers throughout Macedonia. But we urge you, brothers, to do this more and more, 11and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, 12so that you may walk properly before outsiders and be dependent on no one."
I love that. God will provide the purpose. We live quietly. RC Sproul, Jr. says, "We do not need special skills or special opportunities to do extraordinary things for the kingdom. We need only to serve our extraordinary Lord in ordinary ways. And He will and does bless that service. We don’t need another hero. We change the world one diaper at a time. For of such is the kingdom of God." - see the link here.
