Yes, I've been in volleyball land.
Twice a week. And more; some weekends have had two days' worth. And always, four weeks into the season, there is frustration, there are tears, and a desire for it to all be over. This season, there has been frustration over leadership, a sadness due to high expectations that didn't pan out, and anger over coaching styles.
What's a mom to do? Watch, encourage, dig deep, pray, make sure there's enough gatorade available, and cheer til I'm hoarse.
There is a joy and heartache of having a teenager that is so deeply honest and so transparent about her likes and dislikes. But I also know the calm and sheer rage that comes from parenting a teenager that is very guarded and quiet and won't let you in. Parenting teens really is a spiritual battle. You feel like you fight it every day. What's funny is that I truly do believe that God is the one that gives us strength for this, but I try to muster it up myself. It's like I'm trying to shovel my way out of a deep hole sometimes, while I listen, empathize, argue, yell, and encourage. With the first, the discussions/fights/moments were there, but with no experience under my belt. I was at a loss and "just kept swimming" with a blindfold on. With the second, I try to keep swimming but it's like there are huge sharks all around, waiting to capture our peace of mind. Then I remember to lean, lean, lean on who is watching over us and pray for grace. Grace for the moment, grace for the right words, grace to apologize, grace to know who guides me. The thing is, when they are little, I thought, "will they remember this? There will be other opportunities to make a difference, let's just move on." At the age they are now, I feel like these moments are fleeting, and there is all this pressure I put on myself to get it right.
This week, there is anxiety over homecoming court. If she doesn't make court, she will have to play in a volleyball tournament and skip homecoming. This is the choice she made before the season started. Tough one for a girl who wants the high school memories to be special, fun, and good. I remind her that she will do the right thing, whatever happens. Because she knows who guides her. And so another day goes by, another conversation that should be easy but feels fraught with importance, another set of words that I hope will be used for the best.
