I am really, really selfish. In my church group, I say that I am, but then in my secret thought life, I think I'm not really that bad and that God has knocked that out of me.
I'm such a liar.
God has been showing me in my marriage how selfish I am. When you're a single mom and raising two teenagers, it's really hard to get everything done and you don't and you basically try to get the most important things done in a day and when someone upsets the apple cart with more to do then it becomes really easy to have hissy fits and talk about how hard it is to be a single mom.
I'm not saying this to undermine my single mom self, this is just revealing what I did.
I had a hissy fit over getting laundry done, I had a hissy fit over not having dishes put away, I had a hissy fit when my daughter didn't do what I wanted her to in her dating life, I had a hissy fit when they misbehaved or weren't grateful enough or didn't work hard enough. I knew I was a sinner and the longer I was a single mom, the more I knew it.
They got older and they turned out to be amazing daughters and I was content. I thought God had taught me about myself and I was aware of my depravity. They still drove me crazy sometimes, but we all knew it.
Then, I got married again. And God continues to show me more and more depravity. Man, is it ugly.
Trying to be "content" when learning to live with someone else is ridiculous. It shows me how selfish I was when I was exercising "authority" over my daughters in the form of hissy fits. Try doing that when that someone is your husband. Doesn't work. It reveals the heart of the matter to be a real desire for control while pitching a hissy fit. That, and the fact, that everything I am asking for is reasonable...right?
I have apologized to my daughters, but I'm not sure that's enough. God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
