Some beach memories

I'm already starting to lose them...but here's what I've got.

• The endless "that's what she said" remarks by the adults...and then K finally asking, "Mom, do you know what that means?"
• The HEIGHT of the penthouse suite. As tall as the parasailing parachute!
• The smell and the heat of the elevator, and the especially awful heat after running.
• Getting the gasoline in my car pumped by a man for the first time in years.
• Internet & wifi troubles! And calling them up and demanding an immediate fix.
• Doing jumps with Beth on the beach and OWNING a C jump while she barely got her feet off the ground! She's still talking about it.
• Getting sloshed and slurring my words the first night there in front of M's friend. Whoops.
• Harry Potter 6 part 2 premiere and wearing the Gryffindor cape!
• Sitting under the stars with K, talking about boys and the purpose of it all.
• Dancing with my girls but not getting to learn the wobble :(
• Reading part 3 of Stieg Larsson.
• Being in control of the out to eat choices by knowing how to use urbanspoon.com and using my coupons!
• Not having to make lunch for my girls because Beth did it!
• Watching the Justin Bieber movie.
• Being with the girls that I love.

Vacation's all I ever wanted

We got back from the beach today. It was pretty darn amazing. Went with one other family, and then one other set of daughters. I love going on vacations with other families. There's a comfort in knowing there are other parents are there, others to just help take care of the kids and the stuff that goes along with going on vacation. They do things like put beach umbrellas in the sand, bring down heavy coolers, loan my children sweatshirts, cut up fruit, toast sandwiches, give them kisses. Even though my girls are 14 and 18, there are still things we do to take care of these girls. Make dinners, check on them, make sure they're applying sunscreen, try to make sure that they take care of themselves. I learn a lot by watching these other parents.
I love seeing my girls have fun. I love seeing them enjoy their friends. I love seeing them relax. I love them.

On these trips, I also realize sometimes that I don't do enough for my girls in a family unit sort of way. I don't know if they feel a comfort in being "home" and appreciating "home." What do we do, after all, to do special things together? Not enough. We go home, do chores, work, watch tv. I need to learn to enjoy them and their personalities. Enjoy the art of verbal conversation. Enjoy being silent together. We don't do this enough. Maybe I'm the one that hasn't taught them to do this.

How to apply the gospel in my life

I really don't know the answer to that. That's just what I need to learn.

beautiful beautiful concept...Jesus dying on the cross. for us. really, for His glory. we reap the benefit. not because of anything we've done, but just because. not because we're smarter, prettier, put-together, more righteous, more acceptable. not because we home school our children. not because we've come from the most horrendous of childhoods and made something of ourselves. not because of the children that we've raised and how we've done that. not because we're in successful marriages. not because we're in successful re-marriages. not because we're the lowest caste. not because we're missionaries. not because we're more eloquent. not because we're unpreposessing and humble. not because we're the redeemed prostitute.

it's only because of Him, Yahweh, the first and the last, the alpha and omega, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. And this is the truth. That I can't be any more accepted because of anything I am. I can't be loved any more, or any more in His kingdom, because of anything I do. I can't pray more, I can't worship more.

do I live like I have been freed? that I don't need to worry? that I am confident in the life He has planned for me? that it doesn't matter who loves me because I am loved by the King of the Universe? that it doesn't matter that I may not be the best and brightest? I don't live like this.

How do I apply this truth? Please tell me.

Give me a ticket on an aeroplane

My baby didn't write me a letter, but I really would like to go places. And I don't want to go for work.

I wonder how much of my life is spent waiting and looking forward to the next vacation. I wonder if that's part of why I've been off. I didn't really have one planned. But now I do! Beachiness, second week of July.

This is not what we should strive for. This is not what we should hope for. This is not what we should put our trust in. Sigh.

Longings

I wish I could title this post, Leggings. For something innocuous. Something silly. Something that really represents lightness of heart.

I've been thinking quite a bit about Heaven. Hopefully not in a morbid way but I wonder if as we grow in our sanctification, if the Lord develops in us a longing for it that makes this life easier to bear. How can we not, really? We're not to become mired in the things of this world, shouldn't we become entranced with what we've been promised? Is it possible that the things of this world become less satisfactory, more tiresome, less able to please, because we are awaiting the glory of the next? I don't know if it's partly getting older, or the kids growing up, or if it's stress at work, but I find that my comfort my rest my happiness my needs don't seem to be satisfied here.

From 1 Peter 1: "3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, 5 who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."

Fire. I shudder. That part of it is scary. The other side to this coin is that as I am longing for Heaven, I don't want to open up. I don't want to share. I don't want to be real. I don't want to get messy with anyone. It's too hard. It's easier to pretend that things are ok, great even, and lie through my teeth. The problem is, even if I tried, I can't even express what's off.

Pray for me.

Bright spots

I didn't have the easiest of weeks, but it certainly wasn't without its bright spots. Namely...

Knowing my daughters were being cared for or were independent enough to care for themselves.
Starting and finishing The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Feeds the mystery-lover in me.
Starting and finishing Blue Shoe. Feeds the wordsmith and storyteller that I wish I could be.
Eating Indian food two nights in a row.
Getting to be left alone at work in Indy without having to make nice to the higher ups.
Balancing my numbers and achieving the goal set out for me this week! Oh, baby!
Getting re-booked on another flight almost immediately after mine got cancelled on my way out of Indy.
Spending today with my girls after having a nomadic sort of lifestyle for three weeks.
Eating a Thai-inspired dinner together tonight that we loved and I actually made.
Sometimes our moments together are quiet, laced with perusal. Today the time was laughing, bouncy silliness.

We've led sort of separate lives over the past few weeks. It's been a little disconcerting. But I'm trying to get used to it.

My sister exclaimed when I told her about our schedules and how crazy things have been for us. She reminded me that as a child, our summers were spent closing the blinds and watching Days of Our Lives. Sometimes we used to get out the Slip n Slide and get out in the heat, and occasionally we'd go to my neighbor's pool. I used to throw pennies down into the deep end and get chlorinated eyes looking for them. I remember walking to the little trailer library about a half a mile away so I could just read something; it was part of my lifelong obsession with books which began in Wisconsin when I was a wee elementary school student. I also remember lighting little sparklers on July 4 at the bottom of our driveway while my dad would supervise (when he could still see). Our driveway was a hill; we used to skate down it in roller skates and ride down on our bikes. I had a really cute Huffy pink bike that I was so proud of because it wasn't my sisters' - it was all mine. I also remember going to a large number of parties with our Indian friends, which deserves a topic unto its own. Indian parties were a little wild.

All in all, my childrens' lives are definitely busier and more exciting than mine was when I was their age. Still, I think back on that time knowing it was good. Actually, it was better than good. It was lazy, glorious summer.

Disgruntled by jealousy

I'm in Indianapolis. For work. I worked all day today and I need to work tonight. I worked all day yesterday after getting up at 3:30 am.

I'm irritated because everyone else in my family has been on vacation this past week except for me. A lot of my friends went on vacations. Disney, beach, you name it. Don't remind me that I went to Minnesota for a weekend.

Welcome to jealousyland and my pity party, which is so unpleasant that the only reason I'm going to post this is to look back and see how irritating moods really can be.