Sinking, falling, losing the battle
I can't breathe
Numbing, blinding, the pain increases
Get away
Constant, pressing, months on end
I'm not here
Denying, recriminating, running to light
I'm raw.
I'm not depressed now. But I remember.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Mom and Dad are Nuts
I swear, every time I visit, I think, "WOW."
Then, I think, "I'm going to be like this in 35 years. WOW."
My mom loads me down with "necessities" every time I visit. This trip, I have a box of stuff for M. This makes me giggle, because this is usually all the stuff that goes to me. There's household items that I would use, like generic brand napkins, paper towels, q-tips, and toothpaste. Then, there's randomness. Like, flip flops she picked up for $2 at Sears, a scent-less candle, and a travel pack of Bandaids to put in her car. Okay, thanks Mom.
My to-go-goodie-box contains some jewelry she picked up, some Christmas ornaments, a bag of peanuts, and three tank tops she picked up (I refused two of them).
I was five years old when my mom was 40. I think about trying to run after a 5-year-old (much less a 1-year-old, my little sister) at my age. No wonder she's crazy (Yes, I know several people who are this age with little ones too. And I'm telling you, your brain cells may be a little off when you're 50).
Then, I think, "I'm going to be like this in 35 years. WOW."
My mom loads me down with "necessities" every time I visit. This trip, I have a box of stuff for M. This makes me giggle, because this is usually all the stuff that goes to me. There's household items that I would use, like generic brand napkins, paper towels, q-tips, and toothpaste. Then, there's randomness. Like, flip flops she picked up for $2 at Sears, a scent-less candle, and a travel pack of Bandaids to put in her car. Okay, thanks Mom.
My to-go-goodie-box contains some jewelry she picked up, some Christmas ornaments, a bag of peanuts, and three tank tops she picked up (I refused two of them).
I was five years old when my mom was 40. I think about trying to run after a 5-year-old (much less a 1-year-old, my little sister) at my age. No wonder she's crazy (Yes, I know several people who are this age with little ones too. And I'm telling you, your brain cells may be a little off when you're 50).
What I didn't realize about holiness
I've been reading The Hole in our Holiness by Kevin DeYoung. I've appreciated DeYoung ever since I read Just Do Something: A Liberating Approach to Finding God's Will last year. That book was eye-opening to me. He declared that you can make decisions that are biblically sound and you shouldn't be crippled by waiting or wondering what God's will is for your life. God's plan for your life is to love Him first and foremost. If your decisions are not sinful, you're within God's will. Deciding between two jobs? Are they ethical? Then make a decision and know that's the right one.
The Hole in our Holiness is about the fact that we don't take holiness seriously enough. I like the way DeYoung writes. A bit of humor, some abstract concepts, but plenty of solid theology and scripture to back it up. I think one thing I am not sure he has answered is exactly what holiness is. I always defined it as being set apart, and by the grace of the Holy Spirit, pursuing godliness and obedience to our heavenly father. How does one do that though? I think the easiest answer, for me, is that it goes back to my heart and how my heart deals with things like the fruits of the spirit.
I'd sort of ignored the second part of some of my favorite verses. From Eph 1:3-4:
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him.
Heb 12:12 - 14:
12 Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, 13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. 14 Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.
Just a couple of a number of verses on holiness. I'm not going to cover the reasons for holiness, cause then I would be rewriting DeYoung's book (or plagiarizing it).
But I read a chapter last night that blew my mind. It was as if he were reading my mind about my struggles with holiness. First, he talked about grace and how our emphasis on grace is so much on what we cannot do in and of ourselves. I have thought so often about how my works are like filthy rags (from Isaiah), and how I cannot do anything worth doing aside from the holy spirit. He said that it's not scripturally responsible to say that it's impossible to obey and impossible to pursue righteousness because our works are tainted. So many of our biblical examples did pursue righteousness - like Joseph, like Zechariah and Elizabeth, who were pronounced "righteous before God."
Why do I do this, denigrate my own spiritual offerings? Having a small understanding of my own sin is one reason. But another reason is that "we equate obedience with perfection." He says "God does not expect our good works to be flawless in order to be good....God is pleased by through Christ to accept our sincere obedience, although it contains many weaknesses and imperfections." My struggle has been, why even try, after all, if my works are so pathetic? God will work it out. The Holy Spirit will work it out. And the Holy Spirit does. But we, too, should recognize that it's pleasing to the Lord to make the efforts to holiness. These efforts are nothing without Christ, but He works out our sanctification through these efforts.
The caution here, of course, is to avoid legalism and making idols of these attempts at holiness. I pray that my heart is changed about what holiness is, why we should strive for it, and what I do in my day-to-day. Because of His grace alone, I'm an adopted daughter. And by His grace, I'm being sanctified by Him.
The Hole in our Holiness is about the fact that we don't take holiness seriously enough. I like the way DeYoung writes. A bit of humor, some abstract concepts, but plenty of solid theology and scripture to back it up. I think one thing I am not sure he has answered is exactly what holiness is. I always defined it as being set apart, and by the grace of the Holy Spirit, pursuing godliness and obedience to our heavenly father. How does one do that though? I think the easiest answer, for me, is that it goes back to my heart and how my heart deals with things like the fruits of the spirit.
I'd sort of ignored the second part of some of my favorite verses. From Eph 1:3-4:
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him.
Heb 12:12 - 14:
12 Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, 13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. 14 Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.
Just a couple of a number of verses on holiness. I'm not going to cover the reasons for holiness, cause then I would be rewriting DeYoung's book (or plagiarizing it).
But I read a chapter last night that blew my mind. It was as if he were reading my mind about my struggles with holiness. First, he talked about grace and how our emphasis on grace is so much on what we cannot do in and of ourselves. I have thought so often about how my works are like filthy rags (from Isaiah), and how I cannot do anything worth doing aside from the holy spirit. He said that it's not scripturally responsible to say that it's impossible to obey and impossible to pursue righteousness because our works are tainted. So many of our biblical examples did pursue righteousness - like Joseph, like Zechariah and Elizabeth, who were pronounced "righteous before God."
Why do I do this, denigrate my own spiritual offerings? Having a small understanding of my own sin is one reason. But another reason is that "we equate obedience with perfection." He says "God does not expect our good works to be flawless in order to be good....God is pleased by through Christ to accept our sincere obedience, although it contains many weaknesses and imperfections." My struggle has been, why even try, after all, if my works are so pathetic? God will work it out. The Holy Spirit will work it out. And the Holy Spirit does. But we, too, should recognize that it's pleasing to the Lord to make the efforts to holiness. These efforts are nothing without Christ, but He works out our sanctification through these efforts.
The caution here, of course, is to avoid legalism and making idols of these attempts at holiness. I pray that my heart is changed about what holiness is, why we should strive for it, and what I do in my day-to-day. Because of His grace alone, I'm an adopted daughter. And by His grace, I'm being sanctified by Him.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Voting and work
It's election day. And I voted. I've voted in every single presidential election since 1992. And I'm happy about that. Today, 20 years later, my oldest daughter voted in her first presidential election. How cool is that?
I should be working right now. Work has been all-consuming, with about fifteen projects going on. A little bit of stress. But it's a good thing, I think. If I wasn't busy, wouldn't I be bored or lazy? I have a hard time, though, because I have a desire to do things well. When you have a number of projects, it's easy to drop pieces and not do things well.
We're supposed to fill out an employee survey at work. This is how I feel about it.
Another thing I should be doing is studying for my bible study. I am still finishing up the True Woman study with a group of middle schoolers and high schoolers. We have two more weeks left. Shouldn't I spend time thinking about how even though the fall has twisted God's design for women, Jesus re-made us?
Yet, instead, I made pork chops and risotto for dinner, had a glass of wine, and am watching election results. I will get back to work, and I will finish this study, but sometimes it's okay to take a bit of time and watch national news unfold. I admit that I have a hard time really believing everything these candidates throw at us. I also know God has this well in hand. But I do think it's important to vote and pray for our president, regardless of the party.
I should be working right now. Work has been all-consuming, with about fifteen projects going on. A little bit of stress. But it's a good thing, I think. If I wasn't busy, wouldn't I be bored or lazy? I have a hard time, though, because I have a desire to do things well. When you have a number of projects, it's easy to drop pieces and not do things well.
We're supposed to fill out an employee survey at work. This is how I feel about it.
Another thing I should be doing is studying for my bible study. I am still finishing up the True Woman study with a group of middle schoolers and high schoolers. We have two more weeks left. Shouldn't I spend time thinking about how even though the fall has twisted God's design for women, Jesus re-made us?
Yet, instead, I made pork chops and risotto for dinner, had a glass of wine, and am watching election results. I will get back to work, and I will finish this study, but sometimes it's okay to take a bit of time and watch national news unfold. I admit that I have a hard time really believing everything these candidates throw at us. I also know God has this well in hand. But I do think it's important to vote and pray for our president, regardless of the party.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Do you miss when we were little?
K asked me yesterday, "Do you miss when we were little? Do you wish that we were little again?"
Where did that question come from? And can I honestly answer it?
Being a mother is the single-best-cherry-on-top thing ever. Period. It's also the most hair-pulling-frustrating-maturing thing ever. You know what's great though? Getting to see the chick-a-dees themselves grow and mature. They aren't just blobs of neediness anymore, like my beautiful 4-month-old niece is (okay, she's more than a blob). They're sentient, intelligent, rational and irrational, wise, immature and mature, hormonal, and amazing. And I got to watch that happen? Seriously, does anyone reflect on what a crazy miracle that is?
I told her that I miss it, definitely. I wish I'd taken more video of them when they were little. Yet, it's been a great twenty years since I had my M and I love getting to see the young women that they have become. One in college, doing her exercise medicine thing, and one in high school, doing her volleyball and music things.
I might want to go back for a peek, but I'm loving seeing the work of God now!
Update: she also asked me if I remember when they were shorter than me. Nice.
Where did that question come from? And can I honestly answer it?
Being a mother is the single-best-cherry-on-top thing ever. Period. It's also the most hair-pulling-frustrating-maturing thing ever. You know what's great though? Getting to see the chick-a-dees themselves grow and mature. They aren't just blobs of neediness anymore, like my beautiful 4-month-old niece is (okay, she's more than a blob). They're sentient, intelligent, rational and irrational, wise, immature and mature, hormonal, and amazing. And I got to watch that happen? Seriously, does anyone reflect on what a crazy miracle that is?
I told her that I miss it, definitely. I wish I'd taken more video of them when they were little. Yet, it's been a great twenty years since I had my M and I love getting to see the young women that they have become. One in college, doing her exercise medicine thing, and one in high school, doing her volleyball and music things.
I might want to go back for a peek, but I'm loving seeing the work of God now!
Update: she also asked me if I remember when they were shorter than me. Nice.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Men, Women, and Marriage, yeah, AGAIN
This year has been inundated with learning about God's design for men and women. At church, we studied John Piper's "What's the Difference? Manhood and Womanhood Defined According to the Bible." in Sunday School for about six months. I read Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage. I also read Mark and Grace Driscoll's Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship and Life Together. This summer, I read Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild by Mary Kassian; this was for a youth girls bible study. Finally, now, I'm studying True Woman 101 by Mary Kassian and Nancy Leigh DeMoss.
I'm not going to lie. The fact that I'm studying these topics over and over is starting to get a little old. I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about how God designed us as men and women, uniquely in our sexual identity, and how we were created for relationships. I've thought about how marriage is a picture that represents the trinity in a uniquely special way. But at the same time, I'm not weary of it. I've never heard this stuff before. I grew up in a household where I understood the physical differences between girls and boys, but my Dad never implied we were less than boys. In fact, I felt like I could do whatever I wanted to do, have a career in whatever I pursued, and not be limited by my feminine status. So it was almost a feminist household. The only weird thing was that my mom was really my servant. She did teach me that I wasn't supposed to flirt with boys and that I wasn't supposed to even look at boys. I might as well have worn a burqa. It was a childhood that was strangely patriarchal in some ways, but strangely feminist in other ways.
In the True Woman lesson last week, we talked about Proverbs 7 and Proverbs 8 where it lists the qualities of a woman who is foolish, and then the qualities in wisdom. Compare:
With much seductive speech she persuades him;
with her smooth talk she compels him.
All at once he follows her,
as an ox goes to the slaughter,
or as a stag is caught fast
till an arrow pierces its liver;
as a bird rushes into a snare;
he does not know that it will cost him his life.
(Proverbs 7:21-23 ESV)
Take my instruction instead of silver,
and knowledge rather than choice gold,
for wisdom is better than jewels,
and all that you may desire cannot compare with her.
(Proverbs 8:10-11 ESV)
Mary Kassian and Nancy Leigh Demoss discuss how much they disliked God's design for womanhood earlier in their lives. I wonder, for those that proclaim Christianity later in their lives, how do they embrace these types of ideas - that woman is created to be a helper (Gen 2:18)? That woman was created to complement man, and that's why she was created out of Adam's rib (Gen 2:22-23)? That man was the leader, and we know this because he was the one that named all of the animals, and he was the one that received the instruction from the Lord on which tree to avoid (Gen 2:16, 2:19) I know that I have softened towards the idea of women being uniquely created, for a purpose, to complement a man (her husband). I am starting to soften towards the idea that the feminist movement really goes against God's design. This is in spite of the fact that I do believe that there were a few good things that came out of the feminist movement - like the ability for woman to be able to vote and the ability for a woman's ideas to be heard. But as in many other movements, once an idea bears fruit, it also gets turned into something more than it ever intended to be. These wacky ideas include: women should be allowed to sleep around with any man (from Helen Gurley Brown's Sex and the Single Girl); women were unfulfilled in their roles as wives and mothers (Betty Friedan); and that women should really become the man they want to marry (Gloria Steinem). These ideas come from what we used to refer to as the women's lib movement. Now it's called feminism.
My friend Dana said this amazing thing, and I'm paraphrasing: "Rather than embracing the idea that our status as women is because of the sin of all of us, we fell prey to sin and blamed the opposite sex for all that ails us." Ultimately, I think how we feel about these truths from the Bible comes back to how God has softened our hearts to hear His word, and how much time we really spend studying it, praying about it, and fellowshipping with others about it.
I'm not going to lie. The fact that I'm studying these topics over and over is starting to get a little old. I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about how God designed us as men and women, uniquely in our sexual identity, and how we were created for relationships. I've thought about how marriage is a picture that represents the trinity in a uniquely special way. But at the same time, I'm not weary of it. I've never heard this stuff before. I grew up in a household where I understood the physical differences between girls and boys, but my Dad never implied we were less than boys. In fact, I felt like I could do whatever I wanted to do, have a career in whatever I pursued, and not be limited by my feminine status. So it was almost a feminist household. The only weird thing was that my mom was really my servant. She did teach me that I wasn't supposed to flirt with boys and that I wasn't supposed to even look at boys. I might as well have worn a burqa. It was a childhood that was strangely patriarchal in some ways, but strangely feminist in other ways.
In the True Woman lesson last week, we talked about Proverbs 7 and Proverbs 8 where it lists the qualities of a woman who is foolish, and then the qualities in wisdom. Compare:
With much seductive speech she persuades him;
with her smooth talk she compels him.
All at once he follows her,
as an ox goes to the slaughter,
or as a stag is caught fast
till an arrow pierces its liver;
as a bird rushes into a snare;
he does not know that it will cost him his life.
(Proverbs 7:21-23 ESV)
Take my instruction instead of silver,
and knowledge rather than choice gold,
for wisdom is better than jewels,
and all that you may desire cannot compare with her.
(Proverbs 8:10-11 ESV)
Mary Kassian and Nancy Leigh Demoss discuss how much they disliked God's design for womanhood earlier in their lives. I wonder, for those that proclaim Christianity later in their lives, how do they embrace these types of ideas - that woman is created to be a helper (Gen 2:18)? That woman was created to complement man, and that's why she was created out of Adam's rib (Gen 2:22-23)? That man was the leader, and we know this because he was the one that named all of the animals, and he was the one that received the instruction from the Lord on which tree to avoid (Gen 2:16, 2:19) I know that I have softened towards the idea of women being uniquely created, for a purpose, to complement a man (her husband). I am starting to soften towards the idea that the feminist movement really goes against God's design. This is in spite of the fact that I do believe that there were a few good things that came out of the feminist movement - like the ability for woman to be able to vote and the ability for a woman's ideas to be heard. But as in many other movements, once an idea bears fruit, it also gets turned into something more than it ever intended to be. These wacky ideas include: women should be allowed to sleep around with any man (from Helen Gurley Brown's Sex and the Single Girl); women were unfulfilled in their roles as wives and mothers (Betty Friedan); and that women should really become the man they want to marry (Gloria Steinem). These ideas come from what we used to refer to as the women's lib movement. Now it's called feminism.
My friend Dana said this amazing thing, and I'm paraphrasing: "Rather than embracing the idea that our status as women is because of the sin of all of us, we fell prey to sin and blamed the opposite sex for all that ails us." Ultimately, I think how we feel about these truths from the Bible comes back to how God has softened our hearts to hear His word, and how much time we really spend studying it, praying about it, and fellowshipping with others about it.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Busy, busy, busy
Yes, life's been busy. I'm not sure how a full month went by and I haven't written a thing. There's been posts I've started in my head but have not finished. I've had impactful things happen to me but for some reason haven't posted about them. So, I want to rectify that.
First, the activities...
Family: I get to go see my whole family in Chicago at Thanksgiving. Both M and K are going. I can't wait! I've mostly been playing catch up with my parents and my sisters on the phone. I know the sisters have a lot going on, and I haven't been a very good big sister in checking on them. I've been even less of a "good daughter" because I haven't seen my parents since July. Sigh. On the bright side, I have seen M this last week when I made dinner for her and a cute friend of hers. We also met up at a local arts festival yesterday and spent a little time together as a family. And K and I seem to talk a lot. And fight a lot. Yes, that's a bright side.
Boyfriend: We had a wonderful day off when we drove to the beach and back in one day (I'm not kidding). We went to a shrimp festival and then just enjoyed the beach the rest of the day. We walked the pier, played in the ocean, threw a frisbee (I am miserable at that) and a football, and just basked in the glory of God's creation. Sitting on the beach holding hands with someone you care about...doesn't get much better than that.
Volleyball: This month has shown me that it's wise to wait. I didn't say anything to the coach about K's lack of playing despite some people's advice and frustration that was only slightly less than my own, but thanks to my wise boyfriend's advice. And it proved to be smart. She's been playing in every game since late September, pretty much, because Coach changed up the rotation and has one of the other girls rotating in with someone else. So, I've tried to go to as many games as possible. She has played well and she's had a few off games too. The best part of it all is that I'm getting to see her do something she enjoys, work hard at it, get mad because of it, get tired of it, and just be a part of a team. It's what you want to get out of an activity, right?
Work: Overall, it's been such a busy month, it's been making my head spin. We signed a new customer. We're trying to get two customers live on our product on 1/1/2013. We had another customer go live on the first web-only version of our product just last week. We had a customer conference in our town. And, I have employee evaluations due 12/1. It makes me slightly ill just thinking about the next few weeks. There is not a lot of room for chit chat at my job, and if you have the time, people wonder if they can give you more work to do. It's a really great group of people, but there is so much work that it's hard to show progress in one thing because you can't focus on just one thing. And you end up doing only okay when you're trying to do everything. I just walk in every morning thinking, "buckle down and get things done."
Church: Speaking of a lot going on, I think I feel over-committed right now at church. I'm teaching a youth girls bible study. I'm also trying to be involved in the "mercy" part of my job on the women's ministry by talking to a couple of women outside of the church that just need an ear. Between that and proofreading the church magazine, plus trying to go to as many events as I can, then helping to bring food to all of those events, it seems like there is something every time I look up. What I don't want to do is resent the church. Because that's not the point of being part of a body, which is what I'm trying to do. But, I have to remember that I'm still a single mom, and trying to take care of all of the above and still maintain a little sanity can be difficult.
I am grateful to be busy. Let's keep the focus on the fact that I am very blessed even when I forget it.
First, the activities...
Family: I get to go see my whole family in Chicago at Thanksgiving. Both M and K are going. I can't wait! I've mostly been playing catch up with my parents and my sisters on the phone. I know the sisters have a lot going on, and I haven't been a very good big sister in checking on them. I've been even less of a "good daughter" because I haven't seen my parents since July. Sigh. On the bright side, I have seen M this last week when I made dinner for her and a cute friend of hers. We also met up at a local arts festival yesterday and spent a little time together as a family. And K and I seem to talk a lot. And fight a lot. Yes, that's a bright side.
Boyfriend: We had a wonderful day off when we drove to the beach and back in one day (I'm not kidding). We went to a shrimp festival and then just enjoyed the beach the rest of the day. We walked the pier, played in the ocean, threw a frisbee (I am miserable at that) and a football, and just basked in the glory of God's creation. Sitting on the beach holding hands with someone you care about...doesn't get much better than that.
Volleyball: This month has shown me that it's wise to wait. I didn't say anything to the coach about K's lack of playing despite some people's advice and frustration that was only slightly less than my own, but thanks to my wise boyfriend's advice. And it proved to be smart. She's been playing in every game since late September, pretty much, because Coach changed up the rotation and has one of the other girls rotating in with someone else. So, I've tried to go to as many games as possible. She has played well and she's had a few off games too. The best part of it all is that I'm getting to see her do something she enjoys, work hard at it, get mad because of it, get tired of it, and just be a part of a team. It's what you want to get out of an activity, right?
Work: Overall, it's been such a busy month, it's been making my head spin. We signed a new customer. We're trying to get two customers live on our product on 1/1/2013. We had another customer go live on the first web-only version of our product just last week. We had a customer conference in our town. And, I have employee evaluations due 12/1. It makes me slightly ill just thinking about the next few weeks. There is not a lot of room for chit chat at my job, and if you have the time, people wonder if they can give you more work to do. It's a really great group of people, but there is so much work that it's hard to show progress in one thing because you can't focus on just one thing. And you end up doing only okay when you're trying to do everything. I just walk in every morning thinking, "buckle down and get things done."
Church: Speaking of a lot going on, I think I feel over-committed right now at church. I'm teaching a youth girls bible study. I'm also trying to be involved in the "mercy" part of my job on the women's ministry by talking to a couple of women outside of the church that just need an ear. Between that and proofreading the church magazine, plus trying to go to as many events as I can, then helping to bring food to all of those events, it seems like there is something every time I look up. What I don't want to do is resent the church. Because that's not the point of being part of a body, which is what I'm trying to do. But, I have to remember that I'm still a single mom, and trying to take care of all of the above and still maintain a little sanity can be difficult.
I am grateful to be busy. Let's keep the focus on the fact that I am very blessed even when I forget it.
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