The church visiting that I've done (only two, let's be real here) has been very eye-opening in many ways. It's forced me to reflect on many things I sort of absorbed into my consciousness, things I took for granted, and things I need to make sure are valid.
I didn't realize how much of my church has been wrapped into my identity. I have always wanted to be part of a big family, part of a place where I'm accepted for who I am and for what I believe without being too judged, and I've felt that at church. But more than that, my church has also defined my belief system about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, and I have been challenging myself on what surrounds that. Churches can easily say the right things on the "What We Believe" or "About Us" portion of their website, and I want to make sure that when I go there in person, that what they say matches what they believe.
Things like:
1) Jesus saves. ie, Salvation.
2) God sent Jesus to save us. ie Justification/Redemption.
3) God sent the Holy Spirit to guide us, to change us, and to make us more like Him. ie Sanctification.
4) God gave us His word to teach us. ie, the inerrancy of scripture.
But even more than that...
5) What is the belief system on sin and what is taught on it?
6) What does church membership mean to another church?
7) Does God do the work in our hearts, and what is our part?
8) What is the narrow path? Is the easy road taken in teaching/preaching?
9) Is the teaching man-centered or Jesus-centered?
10) How is the church organized? Is it inward or outward?
11) Are the youth taught with depth about why they should abstain from sin, ie smoking/drinking/sex/swearing/disobedience? Why does all of that matter? Is it just obedience or is there more to it?
12) How do members proclaim their love, their joy for Jesus? Where is it on Sunday morning? Where is it during the week? Where is it when tragedy strikes?
Monday, July 22, 2013
Sunday, July 21, 2013
My Niece's 1st Birthday
About a month ago, K & I flew to Chicago to celebrate my niece's first birthday.
There was shopping.
There was biking.
There was sightseeing.
There was talking/laughing.
There was playing with the niece.
K and I spent the first day out at the mall in Westmont while my sister and my parents went to buy a new car. I think we got the better end of the deal, even if we did walk a lot at the outdoor mall. We ate at Maggiano's, shopped at a lot of clothing stores, and just overall had a good time together. After lunch, we went home and helped get ready for the party. We actually trimmed bushes outside, helped blow up balloons, and made sure all the food items (popcorn, rice krispie treats, etc) were ready. My sister had planned a "bubbles and balloons" theme and really went all out. She'd hired people to put a tent in the backyard and had a lot of food and fun planned. Speaking of fun, K and I also took our first bike rides on my sister's bikes. Those were (quite literally) the best bikes I've ever ridden in my entire life. Easy to ride, no gear changing even on smaller hills, and a smooth experience. I even made K put on a helmet!
On my niece's birthday, it was a madhouse getting ready because the party was at 10 am. So we got catered food, finished decorations, and made sure she had the right outfit on. My sister hired a balloon specialist/tattoo artist; someone who could not only create balloon animals, but also put tattoos on kids that wanted to look like a rebel without a cause. My sister started noticing texts around 9 that people were cancelling...so we had way too much food, but what can you do? People began arriving, and around 30 minutes later, the bottom fell out - a thunderstorm came through. We all huddled in the tent watching the heavy shower around us. Through it all, my sister kept smiling and visiting. She was amazing! The rain stopped, we all ate, and then we decided to let my niece partake of her birthday cake. At that point, her bottom fell out: she began screaming while crying and wouldn't stop. Watching your niece do that while being force-fed birthday cake just makes you want to hold her and run away. She got cake everywhere, even while crying, which was pretty funny. My sister whisked her inside to clean her up while the kids ran around blowing bubbles and popping their balloon animals in the grass. Afterward, a lot of people left while some stragglers stayed, went inside, and played with babies. After everyone left, I would like to say that I went upstairs and took a nap, but I think I just relaxed and we went biking later on. We did go out to eat for dinner at Houlihan's and watched my niece devour tomato soup (I ate a great wrap sandwich). K spent some time at Forever 21 which she didn't get to do the previous day. How much shopping could she do? I was amazed. She is not a shopper.
We all went to Chicago the next day (minus my niece). We stopped at the Bean and the fountains (with faces of people on them) first, watched a kid doing a street dance, and headed to the "Taste of Randolph" food festival in downtown Chicago. We actually rode a bus there, which was interesting because it was the first time I'd taken public transportation there. We got there without incident, but it helped that we had a seasoned Chicago traveler (my sister) to tell us when to get off the bus. It was pretty hot, so we walked slowly through the crowds and bought food from vendors at reduced prices. I got an amazing tomato salad, fish tacos, and some chips and guacamole. While it was great to get all of this food, it was really crowded and there weren't a lot of places to sit. So we left after that and took a bus down to the Pier, where we walked, ate ice cream, and watched the sailboats head into the Bay. We left for home, where we (once again) went biking!
On the last day, we relaxed for the most part. K and I went to a downtown area where we browsed some really cute stores and got some gourmet popcorn. We spent the day playing with the niece and hanging out with my sister. When you have a sister who is as hard-working, dynamic, and caring as mine, that's what you want to do.
There was shopping.
There was biking.
There was sightseeing.
There was talking/laughing.
There was playing with the niece.
K and I spent the first day out at the mall in Westmont while my sister and my parents went to buy a new car. I think we got the better end of the deal, even if we did walk a lot at the outdoor mall. We ate at Maggiano's, shopped at a lot of clothing stores, and just overall had a good time together. After lunch, we went home and helped get ready for the party. We actually trimmed bushes outside, helped blow up balloons, and made sure all the food items (popcorn, rice krispie treats, etc) were ready. My sister had planned a "bubbles and balloons" theme and really went all out. She'd hired people to put a tent in the backyard and had a lot of food and fun planned. Speaking of fun, K and I also took our first bike rides on my sister's bikes. Those were (quite literally) the best bikes I've ever ridden in my entire life. Easy to ride, no gear changing even on smaller hills, and a smooth experience. I even made K put on a helmet!
On my niece's birthday, it was a madhouse getting ready because the party was at 10 am. So we got catered food, finished decorations, and made sure she had the right outfit on. My sister hired a balloon specialist/tattoo artist; someone who could not only create balloon animals, but also put tattoos on kids that wanted to look like a rebel without a cause. My sister started noticing texts around 9 that people were cancelling...so we had way too much food, but what can you do? People began arriving, and around 30 minutes later, the bottom fell out - a thunderstorm came through. We all huddled in the tent watching the heavy shower around us. Through it all, my sister kept smiling and visiting. She was amazing! The rain stopped, we all ate, and then we decided to let my niece partake of her birthday cake. At that point, her bottom fell out: she began screaming while crying and wouldn't stop. Watching your niece do that while being force-fed birthday cake just makes you want to hold her and run away. She got cake everywhere, even while crying, which was pretty funny. My sister whisked her inside to clean her up while the kids ran around blowing bubbles and popping their balloon animals in the grass. Afterward, a lot of people left while some stragglers stayed, went inside, and played with babies. After everyone left, I would like to say that I went upstairs and took a nap, but I think I just relaxed and we went biking later on. We did go out to eat for dinner at Houlihan's and watched my niece devour tomato soup (I ate a great wrap sandwich). K spent some time at Forever 21 which she didn't get to do the previous day. How much shopping could she do? I was amazed. She is not a shopper.
We all went to Chicago the next day (minus my niece). We stopped at the Bean and the fountains (with faces of people on them) first, watched a kid doing a street dance, and headed to the "Taste of Randolph" food festival in downtown Chicago. We actually rode a bus there, which was interesting because it was the first time I'd taken public transportation there. We got there without incident, but it helped that we had a seasoned Chicago traveler (my sister) to tell us when to get off the bus. It was pretty hot, so we walked slowly through the crowds and bought food from vendors at reduced prices. I got an amazing tomato salad, fish tacos, and some chips and guacamole. While it was great to get all of this food, it was really crowded and there weren't a lot of places to sit. So we left after that and took a bus down to the Pier, where we walked, ate ice cream, and watched the sailboats head into the Bay. We left for home, where we (once again) went biking!
On the last day, we relaxed for the most part. K and I went to a downtown area where we browsed some really cute stores and got some gourmet popcorn. We spent the day playing with the niece and hanging out with my sister. When you have a sister who is as hard-working, dynamic, and caring as mine, that's what you want to do.
Monday, July 15, 2013
The Church, Part 2
There has been so much going on in the last month, not from an "activities" standpoint, but from a "thinking" standpoint, that I have been fairly quiet. Some of my thoughts are related to matters that are confidential, and some are related to matters that I was afraid would be misinterpreted. Thus, the quiet. I've decided to start thinking aloud again at least about one of the matters.
I have been struggling with my break-up, and after discussing the situation with the man I'd been dating, the root of the matter really came down to one thing for me: what church we'd go to. I've been discussing this matter with people I trust. I find that the counsel of wise believers is worth so much - especially when it's from those that you've respected, not just from a "they're smart" perspective, but from people who live godly lives and have studied with you, prayed with you, and cared for you. Ultimately, what I realized is that in two to six years, my children will be grown, probably moved out of Tuscaloosa, and hopefully worshipping in a gospel-preaching church. And while my church family has been my spiritual family, there have been times of loneliness because of being single. It is hard to be single in a small church. No, everyone is not married. We actually have a number of single women, and a few single men. However, when I think of my future, I'd like to be married. I'd like to walk into a marriage knowing what it truly represents: a mirror of Christ and the church. Christ serving the church. And, God's sanctifying grace to the church because of Christ - which represents how sanctification occurs during marriage. These are all concepts that I didn't have any idea about in my first marriage.
So, my thought process followed, if I was dating a godly man who liked the preaching of my church but not the overall worship service, then wouldn't it make sense to see if there was a church that suited both of us? This proved to be much larger of a question than I'd ever realized. Because with this question, you start thinking about what's important in a church. Things like:
What are the basics of belief you won't give on?
How does a church preach on sin?
What does church membership look like?
What does "joy" look like in worship?
What is done in the liturgy (Lord's prayer, reading of scripture, communion, benediction)?
Since I've only ever belonged to one church, I have taken much of what I've done there in the worship for granted. But I think there is much more to church than worship, although that's the first place to start. It's also about the underlying teachings and how they affect our lives from day-to-day. It's about how the members fellowship with one another. And it's about accepting that it's a body of sinners, and in that body, accepting each other's sin and working through differences can also sanctify us. It makes us more like Christ. Isn't that amazing?
So it's with those thoughts (which I've prayed about) that I asked myself, is there another church in Tuscaloosa that might work for me AND the man I'm dating, and if so, what would that mean?
I have been struggling with my break-up, and after discussing the situation with the man I'd been dating, the root of the matter really came down to one thing for me: what church we'd go to. I've been discussing this matter with people I trust. I find that the counsel of wise believers is worth so much - especially when it's from those that you've respected, not just from a "they're smart" perspective, but from people who live godly lives and have studied with you, prayed with you, and cared for you. Ultimately, what I realized is that in two to six years, my children will be grown, probably moved out of Tuscaloosa, and hopefully worshipping in a gospel-preaching church. And while my church family has been my spiritual family, there have been times of loneliness because of being single. It is hard to be single in a small church. No, everyone is not married. We actually have a number of single women, and a few single men. However, when I think of my future, I'd like to be married. I'd like to walk into a marriage knowing what it truly represents: a mirror of Christ and the church. Christ serving the church. And, God's sanctifying grace to the church because of Christ - which represents how sanctification occurs during marriage. These are all concepts that I didn't have any idea about in my first marriage.
So, my thought process followed, if I was dating a godly man who liked the preaching of my church but not the overall worship service, then wouldn't it make sense to see if there was a church that suited both of us? This proved to be much larger of a question than I'd ever realized. Because with this question, you start thinking about what's important in a church. Things like:
What are the basics of belief you won't give on?
How does a church preach on sin?
What does church membership look like?
What does "joy" look like in worship?
What is done in the liturgy (Lord's prayer, reading of scripture, communion, benediction)?
Since I've only ever belonged to one church, I have taken much of what I've done there in the worship for granted. But I think there is much more to church than worship, although that's the first place to start. It's also about the underlying teachings and how they affect our lives from day-to-day. It's about how the members fellowship with one another. And it's about accepting that it's a body of sinners, and in that body, accepting each other's sin and working through differences can also sanctify us. It makes us more like Christ. Isn't that amazing?
So it's with those thoughts (which I've prayed about) that I asked myself, is there another church in Tuscaloosa that might work for me AND the man I'm dating, and if so, what would that mean?
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Anxiety. Worry. Mistrust. What to Do?
I have other things to write about, but I must admit I've been victim to these emotions for a variety of reasons lately. I love to talk about my worry-wart mother who will sit by the phone and fret if her daughters don't answer the phone. One time, before I had a cell phone that I carried everywhere, Mom tried reaching me at my house for a solid day. Then, when she didn't hear from me, she called my friend David, who tried to tell her that he was sure I was fine. Then, she called the police. I'd been travelling for the day and got home right before they showed up. What a day.
Yet, she's not alone in her worry. I have it too. I must admit, being a mom shoots the worry thermometer through the roof. No longer can you be carefree, have no one dependent on you, and be ready to drop and do something at a moment's notice. Even worse, having someone dependent on you that you love most desperately makes you anxiously think that you could do something to affect that person's life negatively. Or, you just worry that they will get kidnapped, traumatically hurt, or doomed to a life of unhappiness because of something completely out of your control.
"Do not be anxious, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God." The Bible clearly has a remedy for anxiety and worry. Also, it clearly labels worry for what it really is: sin. Knowing all of that, I still do it. I know plenty of Christians who do it.
Why do I have this? Lack of trust, is the only answer. A lack of trust over who has me in His hands. Even when I tell myself to be patient, and tell myself that He is the there, or sometimes five minutes after I've prayed. I turn my head and I question who I am or what will happen with a situation. Quick as you can say "hot dog," I flip 180 degrees from peace to strain. I want to ponder my worry, turn it over in my mind, or discuss it verbally with someone who might tell me what to do. Immediately. That never happens.
The thing about it is that I know it for what it is. And that's a huge boon. I know what to do. I know who I am, in Christ. And I hope one day, when I'm old and grey, that I'll be that much closer to "no worries." For good.
Yet, she's not alone in her worry. I have it too. I must admit, being a mom shoots the worry thermometer through the roof. No longer can you be carefree, have no one dependent on you, and be ready to drop and do something at a moment's notice. Even worse, having someone dependent on you that you love most desperately makes you anxiously think that you could do something to affect that person's life negatively. Or, you just worry that they will get kidnapped, traumatically hurt, or doomed to a life of unhappiness because of something completely out of your control.
"Do not be anxious, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God." The Bible clearly has a remedy for anxiety and worry. Also, it clearly labels worry for what it really is: sin. Knowing all of that, I still do it. I know plenty of Christians who do it.
Why do I have this? Lack of trust, is the only answer. A lack of trust over who has me in His hands. Even when I tell myself to be patient, and tell myself that He is the there, or sometimes five minutes after I've prayed. I turn my head and I question who I am or what will happen with a situation. Quick as you can say "hot dog," I flip 180 degrees from peace to strain. I want to ponder my worry, turn it over in my mind, or discuss it verbally with someone who might tell me what to do. Immediately. That never happens.
The thing about it is that I know it for what it is. And that's a huge boon. I know what to do. I know who I am, in Christ. And I hope one day, when I'm old and grey, that I'll be that much closer to "no worries." For good.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Wrestling like Jacob
I must admit why I'm feeling like Jacob this week. I have been feeling quite convicted and confronted by my own sin. Wrestling, wondering, pondering...Jacob did this, wrestled with someone from God one night at a place they called "Peniel."
First, I found myself last Sunday posting pictures of M's journey to Spain. I have to admit the first reason I did it is because I saw another mother post pictures of her child on a missions trip to Africa. I thought, "Oh, I need to do that! People will want to see some of the pictures I've been seeing!" Secretly, my heart was feeling competitive and proud over something that I really should not be taking credit for. My daughter's heart and why she went on her summer trip was entirely shaped by God. Her experience is her own. And I realized later that it might not be safe for me to post those pictures that place her in a specific location. Really, the whole desire to post the pictures, while seemingly innocent, had undertones of sin.
Next, a dear friend of mine got engaged this week. I love this woman. She got a divorce less than two years ago when her husband just decided he no longer wanted to be married. She walked through a horrific time, thankfully with her family's help. And just this week, she proclaimed her deep happiness at being engaged to a new love, a godly man. I can't tell you how happy I am for her...and how jealous I felt when I first learned of it. It was disgusting. Why didn't I have that? What was wrong with me that I cannot seem to find anyone that wants to marry me? This sin of self-pity was ridiculous, human, fallen, and not worthy of the grace I have been extended.
Finally, I've been talking to my ex-boyfriend some. We have both felt the pain of loss and have discussed if we should get back together. It has given me some ups and downs. One of the "downs" is that I realized what an idol I have made in my heart over being in a relationship. It was as if I am not perfectly accepted, perfectly justified, and perfectly made righteous as a single (not dating). My focus and desire has not entirely been on glorifying God. And while this may have been okay 10 years ago as a new Christian, I have walked this path long enough to know I am being pruned. God is reminding me of who comes first, and that ultimately it's not my work, my kids, my romantic life...it's really only Him.
First, I found myself last Sunday posting pictures of M's journey to Spain. I have to admit the first reason I did it is because I saw another mother post pictures of her child on a missions trip to Africa. I thought, "Oh, I need to do that! People will want to see some of the pictures I've been seeing!" Secretly, my heart was feeling competitive and proud over something that I really should not be taking credit for. My daughter's heart and why she went on her summer trip was entirely shaped by God. Her experience is her own. And I realized later that it might not be safe for me to post those pictures that place her in a specific location. Really, the whole desire to post the pictures, while seemingly innocent, had undertones of sin.
Next, a dear friend of mine got engaged this week. I love this woman. She got a divorce less than two years ago when her husband just decided he no longer wanted to be married. She walked through a horrific time, thankfully with her family's help. And just this week, she proclaimed her deep happiness at being engaged to a new love, a godly man. I can't tell you how happy I am for her...and how jealous I felt when I first learned of it. It was disgusting. Why didn't I have that? What was wrong with me that I cannot seem to find anyone that wants to marry me? This sin of self-pity was ridiculous, human, fallen, and not worthy of the grace I have been extended.
Finally, I've been talking to my ex-boyfriend some. We have both felt the pain of loss and have discussed if we should get back together. It has given me some ups and downs. One of the "downs" is that I realized what an idol I have made in my heart over being in a relationship. It was as if I am not perfectly accepted, perfectly justified, and perfectly made righteous as a single (not dating). My focus and desire has not entirely been on glorifying God. And while this may have been okay 10 years ago as a new Christian, I have walked this path long enough to know I am being pruned. God is reminding me of who comes first, and that ultimately it's not my work, my kids, my romantic life...it's really only Him.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Get me some bows
I really badly want to post about something happy, something positive. Unfortunately I am not in the place where that comes easily. I have felt of late like Jacob in the Old Testament, wrestling with God, and I'm just waiting for the permanent limp, whatever it may be. Yeah, not very sunny, but necessary.
So, moving on, I'm going to post about NCAA softball. I'm watching these girls that are so good at what they do, that are so intense and have fought so hard, try to get a national championship. I have great admiration for that. The whole idea that you can be the best in the world (or the nation) at something has always fascinated me. What drives them? What motivates them to be the best? Do they always know they will be the best? Admittedly, I'm sort of rooting for Oklahoma because of everything they've been through lately. Well, except if they were to play Alabama (which they won't, because Alabama lost to Tennessee).
I'm also amused that these girls who have dug deep and played with such conviction have these elaborate bows that they wear while they're playing. Girls just want to be girls, even when they are sweaty and dirty and playing hard.
Maybe it's time to get out my own bows.
So, moving on, I'm going to post about NCAA softball. I'm watching these girls that are so good at what they do, that are so intense and have fought so hard, try to get a national championship. I have great admiration for that. The whole idea that you can be the best in the world (or the nation) at something has always fascinated me. What drives them? What motivates them to be the best? Do they always know they will be the best? Admittedly, I'm sort of rooting for Oklahoma because of everything they've been through lately. Well, except if they were to play Alabama (which they won't, because Alabama lost to Tennessee).
I'm also amused that these girls who have dug deep and played with such conviction have these elaborate bows that they wear while they're playing. Girls just want to be girls, even when they are sweaty and dirty and playing hard.
Maybe it's time to get out my own bows.
Friday, May 31, 2013
In a Mirror Dimly
Is it true that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? I hear this expression and it just confuses me. Because when I am going through the loss, the expression feels like utter crap. I don't know if that's because I'm too sensitive, because I feel like relationships in general are just hard and many lead to loss, or because I dwell too much.
When I try to find truth, I go to one place. And of course there is one book that really dwells on love. 1 Corinthians...
Paul, by God's grace, shares with us what love is. This man, who never got married, but had plenty of cohorts in Christ, tells us what love is, and he defines it by telling us of the love of Christ. We will have nothing if we cannot love, he says in v2. An unstated conclusion looking at v7 is that love is painful, it's messy, and there will be suffering with it. I love this: "when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away." Paul is not describing love we can manufacture, but still, we can strive towards it with the Holy Spirit working in us. And the love in all of the verses applies to our families, our marriages, our friends. While there are differences between eros, agape, storge, and phileo love, we still have to remember that in all of those cases, somehow God uses our own imperfect love and draws us closer to Him. And although we cannot practice a perfect love here, I do believe we can grow in the qualities he lists the longer we walk with the Lord, avoid hiding ourselves in a cocoon, and allow those experiences and relationships to make us sanctified.
I don't think we need to force relationships or try to be friends with those that we have nothing in common with, or be in a romantic relationship with someone we're not attracted to. But when we're in one, I think we need to be all in, according to these verses. Painful as it can be. So, I think it's a yes, according to Paul, it's better to love (as God told us to, not another kind) and to have experienced loss. We have to give of ourselves in our relationships, and give with love, and lose in love, because of one simple truth: it looks like it's biblical.
When I try to find truth, I go to one place. And of course there is one book that really dwells on love. 1 Corinthians...
13 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have aprophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, bso as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 cIf I give away all I have, and dif I deliver up my body to be burned,1 but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 eLove is patient and fkind; love gdoes not envy or boast; it his not arrogant 5 or rude. It idoes not insist on its own way; it jis not irritable or resentful;2 6 it kdoes not rejoice at wrongdoing, but lrejoices with the truth. 7 mLove bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, eendures all things.
8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For nwe know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but owhen the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For pnow we see in a mirror dimly, but qthen face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as rI have been fully known.
Paul, by God's grace, shares with us what love is. This man, who never got married, but had plenty of cohorts in Christ, tells us what love is, and he defines it by telling us of the love of Christ. We will have nothing if we cannot love, he says in v2. An unstated conclusion looking at v7 is that love is painful, it's messy, and there will be suffering with it. I love this: "when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away." Paul is not describing love we can manufacture, but still, we can strive towards it with the Holy Spirit working in us. And the love in all of the verses applies to our families, our marriages, our friends. While there are differences between eros, agape, storge, and phileo love, we still have to remember that in all of those cases, somehow God uses our own imperfect love and draws us closer to Him. And although we cannot practice a perfect love here, I do believe we can grow in the qualities he lists the longer we walk with the Lord, avoid hiding ourselves in a cocoon, and allow those experiences and relationships to make us sanctified.
I don't think we need to force relationships or try to be friends with those that we have nothing in common with, or be in a romantic relationship with someone we're not attracted to. But when we're in one, I think we need to be all in, according to these verses. Painful as it can be. So, I think it's a yes, according to Paul, it's better to love (as God told us to, not another kind) and to have experienced loss. We have to give of ourselves in our relationships, and give with love, and lose in love, because of one simple truth: it looks like it's biblical.
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