We're not worthy

Growing up in the 80s marked me in many ways that are completely cliched. I wore some of the 80s clothes (what we could afford), I had an Atari, I listened to Michael Jackson and Madonna, I watched Cosby and Family Ties. My Saturday Night Live cast was the one with Jan Hooks, Dana Carvey, Jon Lovett, Kevin Nealon, Victoria Jackson, and then later, Mike Myers. Dana Carvey and Mike Myers did this one skit based on two less-than-intelligent high schoolers called "Wayne's World." They just wanted to party. And when they did, they sometimes got to party with some really famous people. Their catch phrase was "We're not worthy!" while bowing and scraping to these famous people.

When I visited my parents a couple of weeks ago, I thought about my childhood and the way I felt growing up in my parents' house, and going to this smarty-pants high school, and spending time with mostly Indians in my personal life. I was also immersed in the pop culture of the 80s. It was sarcastic, not very humble, and a lot more "let's make money and here's the way to do it" - the exact opposite of the free-wheeling 70s where everything was okay to try. I think back to that decade with some fondness for the pop culture, but I feel so different now, so changed in so many ways.

I guess the funny thing about the way I grew up versus what I am learning these days is that the words "we're not worthy" is exactly how I felt today about Jesus when listening to Tim's sermon about Matthew 20: 29-34 (oh yeah, I'm making that connection, always reaching, aren't I). Tim laid out how Jesus' calling of the two blind men was so much more miraculous than the healing of their sight. And the same is true for us. Our physical and emotional healing through the Holy Spirit is NOT the primary reason we should be grateful. It is because He made us His and called us.

I've been teaching a class on growing up Christian to youth girls for the last couple of weeks. I have none of my own training to draw from, because I grew up agnostic. But I am watching my own kids do this. I asked my youth girls this week, "what is the gospel?" One said, "the Bible." Another said, "Jesus." So I followed up with: "Yes, but more: it's about who God is, who man is, why we needed Jesus, how God solved that for us, and how God then works in us." If I went to a church and then all I heard about is God's love and how we should apply that to our lives, I would be missing 75% of the gospel. No, more. I'd be missing the gospel altogether. If I don't hear about man's need, and man's sin, week after week, I lose the humility that I desperately need to be grateful. And I forget that I'm not worthy.

Enjoying the company of youth

In January, I had a couple of weeks where I had some great college students over to eat. The thing about college students is that they are much like high school students but more verbal. You ask a question and you actually get coherent content and thoughtful responses. I made a disgusting soup that somehow the first group of wonderful students choked down. The second group got a better meal that I wish I could remember. Ah well. Both groups allowed me to roast marshmallows around a fire, and we made smores too. These college girls are smart, not just looking for a husband, and they just are fun to be around.

In February, I had one of these same college girls and a couple of new ones over to my house to make cupcakes. Plus our friend Ragan came for the day to join in the fun! What a treat. I have missed that gal. Our cupcakes came in second place and they were mocha chocolate flavored with a coffee icing. They had beautiful candy decorations made by these same students. And we had fun talking about topics like majoring in English, majoring in engineering, what types of hearts work best when freehanding candy decorations, and learning about common friends. Add on to that a soup for lunch and cupcakes for dessert, what could be better?

Also, a couple of weeks ago, K invited three high school girls to spend the night for "Galentine's" day. They watched "Sleepover" and spent the night. I made a yummy shrimp pasta for them and for my boyfriend. The next morning I had bacon biscuits at the ready. These girls talked with me about Jesus. How God used technology to spread the gospel, what they were learning in their bible studies, what they loved about serving...Saturday morning was quite the blessing that day.

I think the thing we forget in our day to day is that life is really about relationships. It matters that you're organized (somewhat), it matters that you have a capacity to learn and read intellectually about politics/science/world news/fiction, it matters that you know how to capably do what you are supposed to do. But the reason we care most about personal relationships is because we have a relational God. We see it reflected in the Trinity; God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are three-in-one. The ultimate relationship, right? And this is the gospel: we love one another as He first loved us - but even better, He commanded us to love our neighbor like ourselves. We may be introverts, quiet, or anti-social, but we can't escape that we need others. And that is a reflection of Him.

A visit with family

As usual, I have let time go by and I haven't written about my activities. One thing I have realized is that my mind is like an hourglass. The sands of time slip by and the details in my memories fade, never to be recovered. And this blog helps me remember not just the factual activities, but sometimes even the emotions, the visual experience, sometimes even the olfactory sensation that comes from being in a place. I love that the written word has that impact.

Over the last two weeks I have realized that I have too much stress at work. It is almost constant, and I cried about it to both my boyfriend and my boss. I have to admit I sometimes think about it and try to think of an "exit strategy" but I know that an exit has its own perils, its own disasters. I would have to get reacquainted with new co-workers, new processes, a new boss, new duties...new everything. Sometimes that thought does excite me but most of the time it fills me with fear. I am a creature of habit. So I had a day off last Friday. And I didn't hardly think about my work life at all. How awesome is that!

My sister came into the state with her baby girl, who will be two in June. How has time flown? I drove to my parents' to see all of them, and my daughters joined me the next day. It wasn't the most exciting visit, admittedly. Her daughter is still pretty wary of me and refuses to leave her side. My sister was also not feeling well so she struggled with maintaining a chipper attitude. But, we watched the Olympics and the women figure skaters, we watched my niece play, and we saw how smart she is. She would say "nose running!" and come over to get her nose wiped. She would say "Okay?" asking her mom if she was feeling okay. She would sing little songs and sing a Lithuanian ditty called "Doogy Dolly" or something crazy like that. She definitely was opinionated and would say "No!" She could pronounce some of our names. My sister had to spell words because my niece definitely knew what we were saying most of the time. Smart girl!

I dropped them both off at the airport yesterday to go home. My sister and I did get to talk and we finally shared some more personal thoughts. I reflected after dropping her off, that I always have this strange experience in going to my parents' because I remember how it was like before I became a believer. I am not, of course, better. However, what God has done for me has given me peace, and an overall feeling that "it's going to be okay." Not a made up feeling, or something we just assume will happen, but a real sense of knowing that I belong to the One who is in control, who will do a great work in me and in His followers, and that I have a place with Him, and will be there one day. What a gift!

Singin' in the Snow

Snowmaggedon 2014. Snowpocalypse 2014. Snowpalooza 2014.

Whatever you call, it snowed here in T-town yesterday. At least two inches in my yard. I have driven in much larger amounts of snow. Gripping the wheel. On interstate traffic, near the Baltimore beltway. And yesterday I felt the same sort of panic driving through icy, snow-covered roads that had no salt, no dirt to prevent accidents. Watching drivers right in front of me, sliding as they lost control. I didn't see anyone go into a ditch, or anyone get into a wreck. But there were plenty around. I think the sense of panic was not just with me, but with so many others who wanted to get home, who didn't want to get stranded.

What do you do in those moments? Other than get mad at your daughter when she calls and starts talking about the fact that she wants you to turn around because she's having too much fun? Pray.

Conversations with KK

This is the conversation I just had, minutes ago, with KK.

Me: "I'm going to go get groceries for dinner."
KK: "You're making dinner? What are you making? It better be good."
Me, with atttitude: "Did you just say that?"
KK: "Was that bratty?"
Me: "YES."
KK: "What are you making?"
Me: "Some Indian food."
KK: "Mom, I don't waaannnt Indian food. Why didn't you make this the other night when we had guests?"
Me: "You're going to like it."
KK: "I think I'm just going to go get Subway."
Me, with attitude: "You're going to eat it, and you're going to like it."

Yeah, you better not get huffy with me, kid.

The appeal of the reformed faith

I got a book titled One Way Love: Inexhaustible Grace for an Exhausted World for Christmas. Yes, I asked for it. I like books like this, but I'm not always successful at reading them all the way through. This one, I've had no problems getting close to finishing. It's a good take on how we are to live the Christian life, aka how we become sanctified. It's not by checking things off a to-do list, or by doing things that seem like they are Christian that eventually will exhaust us because we will never be perfect at any of it - it's about constantly going back to why we are justified, how we are made righteous, and realizing that our good works stems from His love. Good stuff.

Last weekend, I started listening to some sermons from the pastor that wrote this book. He did a series last year about the heroes of the faith. In it, he discusses that the heroes of the faith aren't really "heroes" - they are just like you and me, as sons of Adam. While there are certainly lessons to be gained from the Old Testament heroes, the point of their presence in the Bible is not for those lessons; it's to point to Jesus.

I have been reflecting on that this week. Why is it that Christianity appealed to me so much? I was raised an agnostic, pretty much. We were pretty self-sufficient, academically strong kids. I didn't "need" Jesus based on my performance in school. It was really the message of grace that drew me in, and the fact that everything I learned in school and my early adult life - that my performance was going to get me to where I needed to be - well, that was all a big fraud. My marriage was having issues, I didn't quite have the job I wanted, I was kind of an average mom, not one of those women who volunteered at the school all of the time. But the grace message - that Jesus was the saving grace, not me - that was a new one. I didn't have to look at other "heroes" to find an example of righteousness, because those heroes were flawed too. You do that, when you're a non-believer. You admire all kinds of people: successful, compassionate, cool, self-deprecating, smart, even maybe a little rebellious. The thing about it, that's what you have to do as a non-believer. You have to find someone to look up to, someone to emulate. If you're looking at religion, you might look at Gandhi, or a pope, or Joan of Arc. If you're looking at politics, you might look at a great president, or those in a specific party. What about if you were just looking at life? You'd think of Oprah, Jonas Salk, Marie Curie, maybe Angelina Jolie, or Audrey Hepburn, as sort of a wide variety of examples. But these people are all flawed, or too far-reaching. Eventually, you look at yourself and develop a high opinion of your own behavior.

In life, and even in other religions, no one ever told me that someone already did something so good, just for us, that you didn't have to do anything to get to heaven. No one ever said that it's not about you, but about Him. No one ever said that it was by grace that you could be saved. No one ever told me that nothing could separate us from the love of Jesus. That's why Christianity appeals to me. It's also not because Christians look at their behavior to make them righteous (even though that is the way it is presented and even lived, especially in the south). But when I started understanding grace as a new believer, it was mind-blowing.

The 'rents

My parents are two people I am so grateful for. They have had such a huge impact on who I am, and God used them - non-believers - to teach me about Him.

As I've written in past posts, Dad was an academic. He apparently liked other things too, because I learned at Thanksgiving that he was a goalie in soccer during his younger years. But he was crazy-smart and skipped two grades in school, and went to the big city after growing up in a small village to stay with his uncle and get better schooling. He got his college degree and taught at Madras Christian College. I find that sort of fascinating because that's where he developed some of his feelings about Christians and "proselytizing" - he often doesn't want to be influenced in a "religious" manner. He taught me to be hard-working, he taught me to always strive for the best, and he taught me to think logically. He taught me to stand up for myself when others talked down to you (to the point of being condescending to them), he taught me to be decent (he rarely, if ever, swears), and he taught me that it was okay to want to learn.

Mom certainly cared about academics but she is the social creature in our family. She is so protective of her three daughters and always has pointed to us as the standard that all others should compare themselves to (this isn't always a good thing). She grew up in a family of seven, the third child, and sometimes was the one that always ended up taking care of her younger siblings. She was apparently quite a runner and has described herself like a gazelle when she ran short track events. She got a Masters degree in psychology, but I don't believe she has ever used that skill professionally. She taught me to love stories - we loved her stories when we were little - but she also loved her "stories" (Days of Our Lives) as an adult. She taught me about how easy it is to be mistaken about our own natures. She taught me to love crafts, she taught me about how easy it is to accept disrespect because she took it all the time from me, and she taught me about true servanthood. She never ate until we finished our meal.

Sometimes we as Christians look at our parents and find it easy to see the biblical virtues in them and we are grateful. Sometimes we look at the lack of biblical virtues in our parents and find it easy to try to be just the opposite of them. I certainly have done the latter, and I never did the former because I never saw their good qualities as "biblical." But I now see the complexity in my parents' personalities and realize that they were flawed with some wonderful, loving traits, that they shaped me irrevocably, and I realize that God providentially placed me in their care.