David

I had a friend named David. He was one of my best friends. He died on February 22 at the age of 54 because of multiple myeloma.

Just putting those words on paper is still surreal to me, eight months later. This wasn't supposed to happen. David and I used to talk about how we would take care of each other when our parents were gone and we were old and senile.

David and I shared so many life-changing experiences together. We shared many mundane experiences together. He was the kind of friend that you don't forget. And, based on the outpouring of love on his Facebook page, no one has. But I was privileged to call him one of my best friends.

Having a guy best friend is a little weird, I think, when you're a woman. A lot of women do this naturally, but I don't. I think it's hard to be friends with men because invariably one will have feelings for the other. But that never happened with David and me. He was my brother from another mother, truly. We used to sit together at church. We went to gymnastics meets together. We drove together to the beach with my kids in tow, in my huge Toyota Sienna (which I still miss). I'm sure people wondered why we didn't date, since we were both single. Well, duh, it's because he was my brother. I even thought of him as my kids' uncle.

We met when I started my first job. He was a salesman, I was the geeky programmer. Somehow, we became fast friends, and I used to help him with his computer issues since I was the network Administrator. He was not good with computers. :)

David when there when my youngest daughter was born. We called him first when I started having convulsing, drop-to-your-knees, pain. He lived two minutes from the hospital so it was a natural thing to call him. He was actually there when we got to the hospital. My husband actually dropped me off at the front, sitting in a wheelchair next to David when he went to park the car. Which turned out to be a funny story later. Because I had a strong contraction, held his hand really hard, and my water broke all over his shoes.

David came over many Friday nights to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer and later, Angel. He would play video games with my now ex-husband even though he wasn't really computer-literate. He babysat KK when she was a baby and had this hilarious story of how she pooped in her pants; he had never changed a diaper. He called our friend Lori who walked him through it. KK "assumed the position" for getting her butt cleaned and they were friends for life after that.

When my separation and later divorce happened, David was one of the people I called. In fact, when I lost it in a hotel room in Piqua, OH, I was at my lowest point. He got that call. He didn't even recognize my voice, I was so distraught. But in later days, as God picked me up, David would check on me, worry about me, and ask how I was doing. He was struggling too, as he was losing one of his best friends (my ex-husband).

David eventually started going to church with me, which was so special because I loved my church. He wasn't involved like I was but just getting to see him on Sundays was great. As the kids got older, we had less time together, but we made time with our friends Lori and Victor and their kids. Beach trips. Disney trips. Birthday dinners. Ornament painting. He and I got along so well and he could usually read me when I wasn't doing great. We talked, usually weekly, about life, parents, TV shows, whatever was going on.

So, last year, when he was diagnosed with cancer, I thought he would beat it. It was incomprehensible that he wouldn't. Then he went to the hospital on Jan 8 of this year. And he never left. I'll never forget the pain in his voice when he realized he wouldn't make it. He wanted to see my oldest get married. But he also knew his time was drawing to a close. My last time hearing his voice was when I stopped by, about to go to a birthday party for me thrown by some friends. He wanted to know everyone who would be there, and what was going on with them. That was David. He wanted to be involved and know I was taken care of.

I miss him so much.

How Life Changes

I haven't written in a long time. Last night, I couldn't sleep, and I started composing a post in my head. I knew that I needed to start writing again so I could remember, later, when I will forget.

I've been in Traverse City, Michigan, since October 24. We are working like pack mules. We are pushing to get a project done. This is my project. I feel such a sense of ownership. Yet, it still doesn't define me, nor does it give me meaning. If it succeeds, it will not represent who I am. If it fails, it will not represent who I am. Why do it, then? The motivation to finish this - to really finish it well - it's not something that I am feeling right now. I am putting one foot forward, one day at a time, sweet Jesus. At times, I feel I'm barely hanging on, and at other times, I'm really happy to see where things are. This is how I felt as a single mom, when things were hard and I couldn't see outside of the jungle of my pain. I trusted things would get better back then. I'm not so sure now.

Last night, I talked to my mom. She seemed okay, but at the end of our conversation I asked her how my dad was. She said, "Oh, you know, Prathima. He is having trouble following things." I knew exactly what she meant. I went to my parents' house last month. Dad was having difficulty with his mental faculties. This is the man that I consider the smartest man I've ever known. It's hard to see him this way. I know he hates it. I know he hates being old, not being able to see, not hearing well, and now he has trouble following a conversation. I cannot trust things will get better with him.

This stage of life is hard right now. I feel a bit closed in, not filled with joy, not anticipating the next event. In some ways, I  can't see how things will get better. I feel like maybe this is how the Israelites during their 17th year in the desert, wandering, desperate for something other than manna. And they waited 23 more years. I find myself praying, "Jesus." Just "Jesus", more often than not. Maybe this is all He wants. Maybe this is what I need. Just Jesus.

The Hissy Fits

I am really, really selfish. In my church group, I say that I am, but then in my secret thought life, I think I'm not really that bad and that God has knocked that out of me.

I'm such a liar.

God has been showing me in my marriage how selfish I am. When you're a single mom and raising two teenagers, it's really hard to get everything done and you don't and you basically try to get the most important things done in a day and when someone upsets the apple cart with more to do then it becomes really easy to have hissy fits and talk about how hard it is to be a single mom.

I'm not saying this to undermine my single mom self, this is just revealing what I did.

I had a hissy fit over getting laundry done, I had a hissy fit over not having dishes put away, I had a hissy fit when my daughter didn't do what I wanted her to in her dating life, I had a hissy fit when they misbehaved or weren't grateful enough or didn't work hard enough. I knew I was a sinner and the longer I was a single mom, the more I knew it.

They got older and they turned out to be amazing daughters and I was content. I thought God had taught me about myself and I was aware of my depravity. They still drove me crazy sometimes, but we all knew it.

Then, I got married again. And God continues to show me more and more depravity. Man, is it ugly.

Trying to be "content" when learning to live with someone else is ridiculous. It shows me how selfish I was when I was exercising "authority" over my daughters in the form of hissy fits. Try doing that when that someone is your husband. Doesn't work. It reveals the heart of the matter to be a real desire for control while pitching a hissy fit. That, and the fact, that everything I am asking for is reasonable...right?

I have apologized to my daughters, but I'm not sure that's enough. God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Seeking Out New Life

I can't sleep right now. It's butt-crack-early, and I'm thinking about what my life is as a believer of Jesus. This is not a light thought process you can have and go back to sleep.

Life has changed a lot for me in the last six months.

I got married.
I became an empty-nesting parent.
I became a step parent.
I am watching my parents make tough decisions about their final years.
I haven't been going to my home church every week.
I no longer write code at my job on a day-to-day basis. (this seems inconsequential compared to the others, but since I'm at work most of the day during the week, it's pretty huge)

In all of these life changes, God is at the center. And that is a tremendous comfort. But, it's also a game-changer in what I do with these changes.

In my first marriage, I was not a believer of Jesus for the majority of the time. In my second marriage, it's been part of who we are as a couple. God is there, at the center. Yes, my husband's personality is diametrically different from my ex-husband. Yes, I'm twenty-plus years older. But what does it really mean to be a believer in marriage versus not being a believer?

And what does it mean to be a parent who believes in Jesus versus being a parent without Jesus?

What does it look like when there are life-altering health issues for your parents as loved ones in this new world?

What does it mean when your day-to-day job changes?

Each of these questions deserves its own answer. It's not like I'm choosing to eat cereal every day for breakfast instead of eating a granola bar. The questions point to big events. But I think what we do in our daily lives should look different as believers for both big and small changes.

I have also learned is that what I do with each of these life changes looks different in spite of myself. My tendency in life is to have a "woe-is-me" attitude about change, or to be self-centered and want to show everyone that I'm pretty awesome for handling it all well (maybe to thoughtfully write about it in a blog), or to even not talk about changes but instead let others do the talking and let them tell me about their changes first and then quietly bring up an analogy in their change versus mine.

Thankfully, God is bigger than me and has changed me in ways I didn't even realize. More to come. 

Biblical Law and Grace vs. US Law and Common Grace

So, yesterday was the first day in Alabama that gays and lesbians could get married.

Coming from the liberal background that I do, I have come from the place that I value people for their individuality and been pretty much touchy-feely about people's rights. Realizing the sin of the world and how it impacted life, and that people are not essentially good, has been an interesting journey in my Christian life. You don't hear this in school. You hear that there is an intrinsic good. You read it in Anne Frank's diary and you start fawning over the idea that there is good in everyone, somewhere. And then I learned it was all bullcrap, at least biblically. So, people are sinful, and we struggle with that in our lives, even after we become believers. That's why we needed Jesus, because when we make the rules, we screw it up.

Back to the current issue, and my struggle with it. As far as gays, it's been in the last twenty years that we've seen a turnaround in public perception. During that time, I have not seen gays as "the enemy" nor have I seen them as people I couldn't relate to. I have good friends that are gay. I have studied scripture about the issue and I understand God's mandates in Romans, 1 Corinthians, and more. I know homosexuality is a sin.

The common phrase is, "love the person, hate the sin." But practically speaking, how does that work? And how does it work when the law of the land grants the right for gays to be married? And some of the gays might be people you interact with or even love?

I have three thoughts that I keep coming back to.

First, what is it about marriage that attracts non-believers? Why get married? It seems to me that it's about how US Law has defined marriage, and the rights and privileges that come with it. Tax benefits; death benefits; automatic immunity from testifying; and the list goes on and on. I'm listing the civil benefits. But for them, is there a bigger purpose? For their own happiness? I don't know the answers, because I'm not a non-believer any more. But if it is for civil reasons, then the government has already redefined marriage to something that really isn't scriptural. Marriage is not based on biblical law in the eyes of the United States.

Second, in 1973, there was a law that was passed that also was not based on God's mandates. It was called Roe v Wade, and it allowed abortion to be legal. People choose to have abortions, sometimes, and some of those people might claim to be Christians. However, God declared in scripture that he knew us from conception. I believe in His word that He says that the unborn are alive and that abortion is murder. Can I still support those that have abortions while disagreeing with the law? And does that mean that I can love gays while still believing wholeheartedly that marriage is between a man and a woman? Should I not stand for this premise just as I stand for life beginning at conception?

Third, if you go to a church that you believe is a Bible-believing church, and they begin to perform gay marriages, then you need to question their beliefs. Even if the government allows gay marriage under the law, a church that performs the ceremony is misinterpreting scripture. Period. 

Lastly, is the church, which seems to be fighting against gay marriage under the US law, not a bit hypocritical about other sin? Fornication (living together, having sex before marriage), divorce, love of money...I just think that we are standing on this precipice of gay marriage and declaring it a huge touchstone issue when we really have other touchstone issues that we do not think biblically about. I think we have to be prepared to look at the log in our eye related to all of this while also declaring that His word is what guides our lives, and pleasing Him might mean things that are uncomfortable for us. And somehow, we still declare God has sovereignty over this law, and give Him the glory.

The short of it is, this is not an easy place for Christians to be, as much as some might want to believe that the answer is very easy. 

The happiest place on earth, part 1

Early last year, KK asked, and asked, and asked, about when we were going to DisneyWorld. I knew that would take time and planning, and try as I might, I couldn't find a time when one girl wasn't in school. M started summer school three days after KK finished her spring semester. And going to Disney in August wasn't really an option. We looked at fall break, and realized there is no such thing in the county school system. So, it ended up being at Christmas, and we forced the issue by allowing KK to skip three days of school. I wrote a pathetic and obsequious letter to the principal about what a good student she was, and that we needed family time together, blah blah blah. Apparently he laughed and approved it.

We'd never been to Disney at Christmas. I was worried about crowd control, but did my usual thing and tried to book restaurants ahead of time. Normally, this is two or three months ahead of time, but since we didn't get all the details worked out early, it ended up being four weeks ahead. And, I found there was nothing available two weeks ahead of time, so it was a good thing I booked when I did. Disney has an app that allows you to do this, as well as see the line waits, and book FastPasses. 

When travelling with my girls, there is a sense of togetherness we have that is hard to match. Believe it or not, we've never been to Disney by ourselves, and I thought we might get sick of each other by the end, but we didn't!.We stayed at this place called the "B" resort, which is sort of a weird name if you ask me, aren't they good enough to be an "A" resort? 

We spent the first day at Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios. The decorations were great, but I have to admit I didn't really pay attention much at first to it. We headed first thing to one of our favorite rides, Expedition Everest. And we rode it twice since they had a single rider line and that was amazing! And it reminded us why we loved Disney so much. We really did our best to get to as many attractions as possible because we knew we'd only be at Animal Kingdom for part of the day. The Lion King show, A Bug's Life, and we stopped by several scenic places to make sure we got some pictures. It was a rush, but we did that and headed to Hollywood Studios. And that's where I noticed the decorations. I got pictures of the tree in front - each park has a huge tree at the front that is unique and beautiful. Of course, we had to go to Rock and Roller Coaster with our fastpass, and Tower of Terror, and we got our first character picture with Goofy in a Santa suit. I just found so many more things to see at this park, maybe because I wasn't rushing around to get to every ride. I was so surprised to see a large-scale nativity scene. There was also a festival of lights show that was incredible. We had to wait for it to start, and everyone lines up on the street like human cattle. It gave us a chance to rest, which I needed after being up til midnight the evening before. After getting more character pictures, we ended the day at the Sci-Fi Dine In Theater, a restaurant where you sit in a car and watch 50s sci-fi movies. Our waiter was from a carribean country, and he kept approaching our car by saying "Alabama!" I think it was meant to be welcoming. I think.

A good day. And more to come.

Boldly Going

I have searched for excellence in many things. The older I get though, the more it seems to slip through my fingers. By that, I don't mean that I care about it less, but rather that I can't seem to do things as well as I used to; it's harder to think intellectually about matters at times; and I can't learn things as fast as I once did. It's a struggle, getting older.

But I also go back to the fact that I don't want to care about excellence less. Rather, I think I care about it even more, but in a different way. I feel like I'm learning to be okay with taking things slower. I feel like it's okay to reflect more before making a decision. It's okay to listen, rather than talk over someone else.

Not everyone is this way. There are some people that have minds that seem to be just as sharp as they used to be. I was in work meetings this week, and I chose to sit back and listen, rather than argue points that I wasn't sure I cared about. Did my behavior mean I cared less about excellence at work? I'm still not sure. Maybe I'm just not sure that the fine points of who-is-in-charge-of-what work mean anything to me.

Last year, I was reading an issue of TableTalk magazine, and I found it quite compelling. It was about the "Ordinary Christian Life." Michael Horton wrote about this in a book called "Ordinary: Sustainable Faith in a Radical, Restless World." I think there seems to be a rebellion in the Christian community against "radical" faith, promoted by David Platt and Francis Chan, to remind believers that it's also okay to be "ordinary." Here is one particularly good passage from Burk Parsons:

The ordinary Christian life is not the opposite of the radical Christian life. The ordinary Christian lifeis a radical life. The ordinary Christian life is a life of daily trusting Christ; daily repenting of our sins; daily abiding in Christ; daily loving Christ; daily dying to self; daily taking up our crosses and following Christ; daily loving God and neighbor; and daily proclaiming the gospel to ourselves, our families, our friends, and our communities. Every Christian is an ordinary Christian, and every ordinary Christian is a radical Christian. 

Here's the link to the whole article: http://www.ligonier.org/learn/articles/radically-ordinary/.

It seems to me that Burk Parksons and Michael Horton are not saying that it's wrong to live radical, changed lives. I do heartily endorse the idea of living "ordinarily": by God's grace, living under grace and glorifying Him in all we do, especially if it's at work, with kids, and loving others. But I also love seeing God take hold of believers and doing incredible things with them: transplanting them to Los Angeles; enabling them to adopt babies from China; taking them to Spain, Asia, and other locales to spread the gospel. I'm just in awe over how God works differently in everyone's life. Maybe the real problem is that we are jealous. That when we look at others and wish for some particular excitement in ministry to apply to us, we really need to remind ourselves: "That is not my story." When we have to bear the hard times and watch loved ones die of cancer, and wish that wasn't happening, we are enabled to handle it by His grace because: "That is my story." When we are at work, and wondering if we are doing the work that He gives us, we tell ourselves: "This is the story that I have right now. Live it."

I'm still wondering if I'm giving Him the proper glory at work. I'm not sure. But I'm boldly approaching the throne of grace, seeking His will for my life there.