How Life Changes

I haven't written in a long time. Last night, I couldn't sleep, and I started composing a post in my head. I knew that I needed to start writing again so I could remember, later, when I will forget.

I've been in Traverse City, Michigan, since October 24. We are working like pack mules. We are pushing to get a project done. This is my project. I feel such a sense of ownership. Yet, it still doesn't define me, nor does it give me meaning. If it succeeds, it will not represent who I am. If it fails, it will not represent who I am. Why do it, then? The motivation to finish this - to really finish it well - it's not something that I am feeling right now. I am putting one foot forward, one day at a time, sweet Jesus. At times, I feel I'm barely hanging on, and at other times, I'm really happy to see where things are. This is how I felt as a single mom, when things were hard and I couldn't see outside of the jungle of my pain. I trusted things would get better back then. I'm not so sure now.

Last night, I talked to my mom. She seemed okay, but at the end of our conversation I asked her how my dad was. She said, "Oh, you know, Prathima. He is having trouble following things." I knew exactly what she meant. I went to my parents' house last month. Dad was having difficulty with his mental faculties. This is the man that I consider the smartest man I've ever known. It's hard to see him this way. I know he hates it. I know he hates being old, not being able to see, not hearing well, and now he has trouble following a conversation. I cannot trust things will get better with him.

This stage of life is hard right now. I feel a bit closed in, not filled with joy, not anticipating the next event. In some ways, I  can't see how things will get better. I feel like maybe this is how the Israelites during their 17th year in the desert, wandering, desperate for something other than manna. And they waited 23 more years. I find myself praying, "Jesus." Just "Jesus", more often than not. Maybe this is all He wants. Maybe this is what I need. Just Jesus.