Turning Forty

It's been a while since I've posted. In that time, I turned the big 4-0. Eventful? Yes, from a social standpoint; but from an age standpoint, it didn't feel like a "rite of passage" moment. Was it supposed to? Was I supposed to have a ton of angst, disenchantment, or relief?

Really, at the crux of it, I'm not insecure about who I am anymore. At the age of 16, I questioned everything; who I was, who my friends were, if anyone liked me, why I was of Indian descent, why I was so sensitive, why my friends seemed to have fun but I didn't, etc etc. That was angst. At the age of 25, I was married and working, with two young children, and I was somewhat comfortable. I didn't feel like an adult yet, though, and I worried constantly with mom-guilt. I also worried about what the world would be like for my girls, what kind of wife I was, and if I was doing all I could in my career. At the age of 30, I was a mess. I'd been a Christian for a couple of years, just separated from my husband, was worried about my kids, and I was just numb.

40 is none of that. The last couple of years in certain ways were like letting go. Some of this, I know, is circumstantial. My kids are 19 and 15 now. I'm on pretty good terms with my ex-husband, thankfully. I still have a job and I love my church. Again, circumstantial. 40 for me is being comfortable, not just with circumstances, but with knowing who I am in Christ. I can't say that I am comfortable with myself - there is so much sin there, it's pretty uncomfortable - but it's about trusting that it will be made right. Rob Looper, a pastor acquaintance of mine, wrote this blogpost which I think is a great way of saying what I'm fumbling around trying to say.

My daughter M threw a wonderful surprise party for me at Olive Garden with the help of friends and family. My sister and parents came to visit, too - also a surprise. What a blessing.