K came to me the other day, full of ideas on things she wanted to do. "Mom, we could take the youth to the ice rink! I could get a job! I want to volunteer at the soup kitchen! We could mulch the beds in the yard!" Okay, truthfully, I just dreamed the last one. We talked about how the promise of Spring seems so bright, fresh, full of promise. It's like a new start, a clean beginning, and isn't it neat that God created that for us every year? It's seasonal, but it's always there.
It's true that spring gets me excited. I love the idea of green lawns, fresh flowers, Easter, slightly warmer weather. I wish I had a green thumb but I'm not quite there yet. Maybe one day. I, like K, think about things I want to do. Projects I'd like to start. Ha ha! I know, I'm not always a project finisher.
I was thinking recently about the idea of these projects and how I always want to get things "cleaned up" or better. I've struggled with projects, or with being neat and organized, my whole life. Thankfully, I've had a fairly good memory so even though I'm not really well organized, I've been able to keep up with things. I just pile on more projects, though, and reach a max. And then lose track of things. And tasks. And people.
Is it true, though, that for those of us that have a desire to be organized but struggle with it, to be able to manage projects but are unable to deal with problems that exist, to be able to get things done but aren't always successful, that it's usually an indicator of "control" and a desire to manage the way we live? Could it also be that sometimes it's because we think something better really could be around the corner, and that if we just get this one thing done, that life will be great? Or is it that we want to "keep up with the Joneses" and portray a certain kind of life that seems picture perfect?
Before I became a believer, I thought you had to be a certain kind of person to be a Christian. To be sort of a cookie cutter type of individual, to be good (or boring, depending on how you look at it), to act a certain way. I have since learned that getting cleaned up is the last thing that Jesus is really looking for.
"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..." (Rom 3:23)
"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins 2in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience-- 3 among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind" (Eph 2:1-3)
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened..." (Matt 11:28)
We were a mess. The thing is, we still are a mess, but we have been made righteous. We want to be clean, be holy, be righteous, but we can't be that without the Spirit's work. I very much want to get better. I want to be a part of the work to make me better. And while I make the effort, it is the Spirit that must make me better. Not me. And as much as I want to be clean, be organized, be perfect, my heart has to learn that it's not in my own power. And my heart has to be okay with that.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
January and Introspection
It's been almost a couple of weeks into the New Year and I'm doing well. Shocking. Normally I fall in a bit of the blues/depression/introspection. I've had a bit of thinking time, but thankfully it's been a good time. Since K is driving now, I'm finding more time. She left for a couple of hours after church today and I just watched a movie. She went to a basketball game this week and I did a puzzle and watched "Wuthering Heights" on PBS Masterpiece Theater. What?! Is this my life?
I probably need to stop watching movies/TV and start doing some things, like organizing my office, or knocking out the honey-do list I keep staring at, or making dinner a bit more, or actually start running regularly, or reading the Lord of The Rings trilogy. I did get to go a photography class, thanks to my sweet boyfriend, who gave me this class as a gift for Christmas. I actually learned more about the features that are on my camera. Now I just need to get an SLR camera.
A few weeks ago, right before Christmas break, K told me something that really made me pause. She said, "Mom, I hope I'm like you when I grow up." She said she just wanted to be happy like I was. And I thought, "Happy?! Kid, do you live with me? I can be a real grump!" But I've thought about it. I am hoping what she sees may be the peace that passes all understanding, the peace I readily throw away some days in exchange for worry and frustration. I know that at 40, that peace is there much more than there was at 30. I've seen this in non-believers, too, except they say it's because they care less about what people think. I don't know if I think about it that way. I do know that I care what God thinks, not because he's up there judging me, but because He sacrificed for me so that I could have something very precious - a place in His kingdom. And that truth is what (I hope) she sees.
There's more I want to tell her, that there is so much I don't do well, but the process of loving, enjoying life, submitting, learning, repenting, and praying is the only thing I can really stand on. That she's going to make tons of mistakes. That she's going to have regrets. That she's going to miss some opportunities. That there are people she is going to forget about who play a major part in her life right now. And there are some that she doesn't even know that will eventually become very important. That her heart is deceiving, at times, but she also needs to trust her gut at times too.
Let's get a move on, daughter. There's lots to learn.
I probably need to stop watching movies/TV and start doing some things, like organizing my office, or knocking out the honey-do list I keep staring at, or making dinner a bit more, or actually start running regularly, or reading the Lord of The Rings trilogy. I did get to go a photography class, thanks to my sweet boyfriend, who gave me this class as a gift for Christmas. I actually learned more about the features that are on my camera. Now I just need to get an SLR camera.
A few weeks ago, right before Christmas break, K told me something that really made me pause. She said, "Mom, I hope I'm like you when I grow up." She said she just wanted to be happy like I was. And I thought, "Happy?! Kid, do you live with me? I can be a real grump!" But I've thought about it. I am hoping what she sees may be the peace that passes all understanding, the peace I readily throw away some days in exchange for worry and frustration. I know that at 40, that peace is there much more than there was at 30. I've seen this in non-believers, too, except they say it's because they care less about what people think. I don't know if I think about it that way. I do know that I care what God thinks, not because he's up there judging me, but because He sacrificed for me so that I could have something very precious - a place in His kingdom. And that truth is what (I hope) she sees.
There's more I want to tell her, that there is so much I don't do well, but the process of loving, enjoying life, submitting, learning, repenting, and praying is the only thing I can really stand on. That she's going to make tons of mistakes. That she's going to have regrets. That she's going to miss some opportunities. That there are people she is going to forget about who play a major part in her life right now. And there are some that she doesn't even know that will eventually become very important. That her heart is deceiving, at times, but she also needs to trust her gut at times too.
Let's get a move on, daughter. There's lots to learn.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Learning about the Walking Dead
This holiday season, I have really been feeling like there is so much of life that should look different because of the gospel. I spent Christmas at my parents', and while there, I am always confronted by who I was as a youngster. Mom has certainly changed things since I was a teenager at the house, but the house is not a big one, and there are memories in every room. This is where I was when I chased my little sisters out, while feeling surly. This is where I used to stare at my reflection for hours on end, thinking about how different I was as an Indian. This is where I spent so much time on the phone talking with my best friend, glad I had someone to talk to. This room is where I learned to dance.
The thing that is surprising is realizing how much I've changed since my childhood. I'm not the girl I was. I'm not even the young lady or the young mom I was. But how different am I? Has the gospel made that much of an impact when I was adopted into the kingdom of God at 27? Do I live life confidently, knowing I have a great High priest who has passed through the heavens? This Christmas, I felt the old pull of the childhood home, where I lived life quietly, sedately, not much talking, not much activity other than listening to NPR and watching TV. "Relax" was the constant refrain of my father, who believes in a intellectual, quiet life. I do like watching a good movie and have done quite a bit of that this vacation. So what is the difference in the life that my parents see?
While in Montgomery, I finally succumbed to watching the Walking Dead. Went through Season 1 in one day, and then started on season 2. M and I have been watching it since we've gotten home. It's ridiculously addicting if you can get past the gore and violence. Which doesn't, and shouldn't, mean that you become immune and callous to it at all, but the gore is a plot device to a bigger story. The story is about a small town sheriff who awakes from a coma and realizes the world has descended into madness with zombies having overrun much of it. There is lawlessness, no economy other than trying to find the most guns, and questions of why we should live. For the humans left, their character is tested while they fight for their lives and for their future, whatever it is. A Lord of the Flies story, if you will.
Questions of faith are certainly brought up. At least, to me, they are questions that point to your faith. What would be your will to live if there were zombies all around, waiting to eat you? Would you want to kill another human to be able to survive? With no "law", should man make law based on gut and feeling? Would you want to have a baby in a world like that? Is man ultimately evil?
If you believe like I do, in the total depravity of man, which really means that sin affected us completely and totally after the fall and we are unable to reach any sort of goodness without the power of the Holy Spirit, then you know you're going to have a mess in this type of environment. Seeing the characters descend into their sin, or even be redeemed by love, makes for fascinating stories. But here's an even deeper question: weren't we all walking dead before being saved by grace? Are we, as humanity, anything more than zombies until God's Holy Spirit moves us, saves us, regenerates us? And after that happens, how shall we then live? This last question is the one that is a constant with me. And it's what I reflected on in Montgomery this past Christmas. What makes us, as believers, different? What I know is the Holy Spirit does the work to change us, to make us into something new. And for that, in this new year, I am grateful.
The thing that is surprising is realizing how much I've changed since my childhood. I'm not the girl I was. I'm not even the young lady or the young mom I was. But how different am I? Has the gospel made that much of an impact when I was adopted into the kingdom of God at 27? Do I live life confidently, knowing I have a great High priest who has passed through the heavens? This Christmas, I felt the old pull of the childhood home, where I lived life quietly, sedately, not much talking, not much activity other than listening to NPR and watching TV. "Relax" was the constant refrain of my father, who believes in a intellectual, quiet life. I do like watching a good movie and have done quite a bit of that this vacation. So what is the difference in the life that my parents see?
While in Montgomery, I finally succumbed to watching the Walking Dead. Went through Season 1 in one day, and then started on season 2. M and I have been watching it since we've gotten home. It's ridiculously addicting if you can get past the gore and violence. Which doesn't, and shouldn't, mean that you become immune and callous to it at all, but the gore is a plot device to a bigger story. The story is about a small town sheriff who awakes from a coma and realizes the world has descended into madness with zombies having overrun much of it. There is lawlessness, no economy other than trying to find the most guns, and questions of why we should live. For the humans left, their character is tested while they fight for their lives and for their future, whatever it is. A Lord of the Flies story, if you will.
Questions of faith are certainly brought up. At least, to me, they are questions that point to your faith. What would be your will to live if there were zombies all around, waiting to eat you? Would you want to kill another human to be able to survive? With no "law", should man make law based on gut and feeling? Would you want to have a baby in a world like that? Is man ultimately evil?
If you believe like I do, in the total depravity of man, which really means that sin affected us completely and totally after the fall and we are unable to reach any sort of goodness without the power of the Holy Spirit, then you know you're going to have a mess in this type of environment. Seeing the characters descend into their sin, or even be redeemed by love, makes for fascinating stories. But here's an even deeper question: weren't we all walking dead before being saved by grace? Are we, as humanity, anything more than zombies until God's Holy Spirit moves us, saves us, regenerates us? And after that happens, how shall we then live? This last question is the one that is a constant with me. And it's what I reflected on in Montgomery this past Christmas. What makes us, as believers, different? What I know is the Holy Spirit does the work to change us, to make us into something new. And for that, in this new year, I am grateful.
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