January and Introspection

It's been almost a couple of weeks into the New Year and I'm doing well. Shocking. Normally I fall in a bit of the blues/depression/introspection. I've had a bit of thinking time, but thankfully it's been a good time. Since K is driving now, I'm finding more time. She left for a couple of hours after church today and I just watched a movie. She went to a basketball game this week and I did a puzzle and watched "Wuthering Heights" on PBS Masterpiece Theater. What?! Is this my life?

I probably need to stop watching movies/TV and start doing some things, like organizing my office, or knocking out the honey-do list I keep staring at, or making dinner a bit more, or actually start running regularly, or reading the Lord of The Rings trilogy. I did get to go a photography class, thanks to my sweet boyfriend, who gave me this class as a gift for Christmas. I actually learned more about the features that are on my camera. Now I just need to get an SLR camera.

A few weeks ago, right before Christmas break, K told me something that really made me pause. She said, "Mom, I hope I'm like you when I grow up." She said she just wanted to be happy like I was. And I thought, "Happy?! Kid, do you live with me? I can be a real grump!" But I've thought about it. I am hoping what she sees may be the peace that passes all understanding, the peace I readily throw away some days in exchange for worry and frustration. I know that at 40, that peace is there much more than there was at 30. I've seen this in non-believers, too, except they say it's because they care less about what people think. I don't know if I think about it that way. I do know that I care what God thinks, not because he's up there judging me, but because He sacrificed for me so that I could have something very precious - a place in His kingdom. And that truth is what (I hope) she sees.

There's more I want to tell her, that there is so much I don't do well, but the process of loving, enjoying life, submitting, learning, repenting, and praying is the only thing I can really stand on. That she's going to make tons of mistakes. That she's going to have regrets. That she's going to miss some opportunities. That there are people she is going to forget about who play a major part in her life right now. And there are some that she doesn't even know that will eventually become very important. That her heart is deceiving, at times, but she also needs to trust her gut at times too.

Let's get a move on, daughter. There's lots to learn.