Anxiety. Worry. Mistrust. What to Do?

I have other things to write about, but I must admit I've been victim to these emotions for a variety of reasons lately. I love to talk about my worry-wart mother who will sit by the phone and fret if her daughters don't answer the phone. One time, before I had a cell phone that I carried everywhere, Mom tried reaching me at my house for a solid day. Then, when she didn't hear from me, she called my friend David, who tried to tell her that he was sure I was fine. Then, she called the police. I'd been travelling for the day and got home right before they showed up. What a day.

Yet, she's not alone in her worry. I have it too. I must admit, being a mom shoots the worry thermometer through the roof. No longer can you be carefree, have no one dependent on you, and be ready to drop and do something at a moment's notice. Even worse, having someone dependent on you that you love most desperately makes you anxiously think that you could do something to affect that person's life negatively. Or, you just worry that they will get kidnapped, traumatically hurt, or doomed to a life of unhappiness because of something completely out of your control.

"Do not be anxious, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God." The Bible clearly has a remedy for anxiety and worry. Also, it clearly labels worry for what it really is: sin. Knowing all of that, I still do it. I know plenty of Christians who do it.

Why do I have this? Lack of trust, is the only answer. A lack of trust over who has me in His hands. Even when I tell myself to be patient, and tell myself that He is the there, or sometimes five minutes after I've prayed. I turn my head and I question who I am or what will happen with a situation. Quick as you can say "hot dog," I flip 180 degrees from peace to strain. I want to ponder my worry, turn it over in my mind, or discuss it verbally with someone who might tell me what to do. Immediately. That never happens.

The thing about it is that I know it for what it is. And that's a huge boon. I know what to do.  I know who I am, in Christ. And I hope one day, when I'm old and grey, that I'll be that much closer to "no worries." For good.

Wrestling like Jacob

I must admit why I'm feeling like Jacob this week. I have been feeling quite convicted and confronted by my own sin. Wrestling, wondering, pondering...Jacob did this, wrestled with someone from God one night at a place they called "Peniel."

First, I found myself last Sunday posting pictures of M's journey to Spain. I have to admit the first reason I did it is because I saw another mother post pictures of her child on a missions trip to Africa. I thought, "Oh, I need to do that! People will want to see some of the pictures I've been seeing!" Secretly, my heart was feeling competitive and proud over something that I really should not be taking credit for. My daughter's heart and why she went on her summer trip was entirely shaped by God. Her experience is her own. And I realized later that it might not be safe for me to post those pictures that place her in a specific location. Really, the whole desire to post the pictures, while seemingly innocent, had undertones of sin.

Next, a dear friend of mine got engaged this week. I love this woman. She got a divorce less than two years ago when her husband just decided he no longer wanted to be married. She walked through a horrific time, thankfully with her family's help. And just this week, she proclaimed her deep happiness at being engaged to a new love, a godly man. I can't tell you how happy I am for her...and how jealous I felt when I first learned of it. It was disgusting. Why didn't I have that? What was wrong with me that I cannot seem to find anyone that wants to marry me? This sin of self-pity was ridiculous, human, fallen, and not worthy of the grace I have been extended.

Finally, I've been talking to my ex-boyfriend some. We have both felt the pain of loss and have discussed if we should get back together. It has given me some ups and downs. One of the "downs" is that I realized what an idol I have made in my heart over being in a relationship. It was as if I am not perfectly accepted, perfectly justified, and perfectly made righteous as a single (not dating). My focus and desire has not entirely been on glorifying God. And while this may have been okay 10 years ago as a new Christian, I have walked this path long enough to know I am being pruned. God is reminding me of who comes first, and that ultimately it's not my work, my kids, my romantic life...it's really only Him.

Get me some bows

I really badly want to post about something happy, something positive. Unfortunately I am not in the place where that comes easily. I have felt of late like Jacob in the Old Testament, wrestling with God, and I'm just waiting for the permanent limp, whatever it may be. Yeah, not very sunny, but necessary.

So, moving on, I'm going to post about NCAA softball. I'm watching these girls that are so good at what they do, that are so intense and have fought so hard, try to get a national championship. I have great admiration for that. The whole idea that you can be the best in the world (or the nation) at something has always fascinated me. What drives them? What motivates them to be the best? Do they always know they will be the best? Admittedly, I'm sort of rooting for Oklahoma because of everything they've been through lately. Well, except if they were to play Alabama (which they won't, because Alabama lost to Tennessee).

I'm also amused that these girls who have dug deep and played with such conviction have these elaborate bows that they wear while they're playing. Girls just want to be girls, even when they are sweaty and dirty and playing hard.

Maybe it's time to get out my own bows.