Wrestling like Jacob

I must admit why I'm feeling like Jacob this week. I have been feeling quite convicted and confronted by my own sin. Wrestling, wondering, pondering...Jacob did this, wrestled with someone from God one night at a place they called "Peniel."

First, I found myself last Sunday posting pictures of M's journey to Spain. I have to admit the first reason I did it is because I saw another mother post pictures of her child on a missions trip to Africa. I thought, "Oh, I need to do that! People will want to see some of the pictures I've been seeing!" Secretly, my heart was feeling competitive and proud over something that I really should not be taking credit for. My daughter's heart and why she went on her summer trip was entirely shaped by God. Her experience is her own. And I realized later that it might not be safe for me to post those pictures that place her in a specific location. Really, the whole desire to post the pictures, while seemingly innocent, had undertones of sin.

Next, a dear friend of mine got engaged this week. I love this woman. She got a divorce less than two years ago when her husband just decided he no longer wanted to be married. She walked through a horrific time, thankfully with her family's help. And just this week, she proclaimed her deep happiness at being engaged to a new love, a godly man. I can't tell you how happy I am for her...and how jealous I felt when I first learned of it. It was disgusting. Why didn't I have that? What was wrong with me that I cannot seem to find anyone that wants to marry me? This sin of self-pity was ridiculous, human, fallen, and not worthy of the grace I have been extended.

Finally, I've been talking to my ex-boyfriend some. We have both felt the pain of loss and have discussed if we should get back together. It has given me some ups and downs. One of the "downs" is that I realized what an idol I have made in my heart over being in a relationship. It was as if I am not perfectly accepted, perfectly justified, and perfectly made righteous as a single (not dating). My focus and desire has not entirely been on glorifying God. And while this may have been okay 10 years ago as a new Christian, I have walked this path long enough to know I am being pruned. God is reminding me of who comes first, and that ultimately it's not my work, my kids, my romantic life...it's really only Him.