The blessings of the year

I find it fascinating how easy it is to get down on yourself or your circumstances and be frustrated, depressed, cynical, etc. I think we very quickly "want it all," or really, want to be the center of the universe and want to have our life organized in a "picture perfect" way, whatever that might feel like. Yet, I think about the year and the circumstances that make me have regrets, and I am able to reflect on the blessings.

When I was young, I didn't easily make friends. I did have a couple of friends in Superior, WI, where I spent a good deal of my formative years. We moved to Montgomery when I was nine, and I really struggled in finding friends. I found it easy to tell white lies to cover up embarrassing truths. 

I remember when I was in junior high school, I became good friends with a couple of girls, and one of them called me one day and invited me to go bowling. I asked Mom, and she said we couldn't afford it. I was too embarrassed to say that, so I told my friend that my aunt had died and we had company over. It kind of makes me laugh to think of that now because, what was I thinking?

I remember when I was in high school I used to purposely sit in the corner of a room to avoid too much interaction with others. I think one time I even sat behind a couch so I could just listen in. I was always surprised when someone asked about how I was doing, because I wanted to be invisible. But I had some friends that were able to see beyond that, and I hung out with a few girls, not because they were popular, but because they wanted to talk with me, to know me.

It wasn't all pathetic. But I wasn't an easy person to get to know. I have realized as an adult that I didn't have the verbal or the emotional skills to know how to be a good friend to other girls, much less to boys. 

In college, I learned. I learned how to listen better and share. I learned how to have fun, and that sometimes there were people that weren't just trying to one-up you academically or socially. And when I got married, I learned more. I learned how to give and take. I also learned how truly selfish I was. Then, I joined a church. The message of grace was a new one. It didn't make any sense to someone who had always been judged for what she didn't do well, or what she did do well. Grace, grace, grace...free, unrestrained, unconditional love.

It's taken years, but grace makes more sense now. And my girlfriends...how lucky I am to have them. I get grace from them, all the time. It feels undeserved, sometimes, and I think that's the beauty of the friendship you should find in God's church. Not being judged, but being loved in spite of yourself.

It has been a tough year

I've been pensive this December. Well, I think I've been pensive for much of the year. It's been a tough year.

I'm not going to re-hash why. But I am thinking of a sermon I heard today. My pastor shared a story that happened right after the death of one of our elder's children. She died when she was 33, about five years ago. The family was all gathered together, solemnly praying and grieving. All of a sudden, there was singing from the mentally disabled grandson in the kitchen. He sang "Joy to the World" loudly. He was shushed, but it didn't work. Isn't that the way it is? Even in our mess, even when there is horrible grief, Jesus breaks in and provides light. That's the way it's supposed to be.

I have been reflecting quite a bit on theology this year. What is it I believe, why do I believe certain things; these are not quick answers. My friend Amanda told me something recently, though, which I really like: "your theology is what drives how you live, it affects your day-to-day." It drives how you treat people, how you shape your life rules, how you guide your children, how you work. What you believe about sin, what you think of God's sovereignty, what you see in Jesus' work and righteousness - it's such a big deal. And I am grateful my eyes have been opened to it. Soli Deo Gloria. Merry Christmas.

K's thoughts

It's 10:45 pm, K's light is off, and I'm assuming she's asleep. So I am a little surprised when her door opens.

"Did I wake you up?" I ask.
"No, I just wanted to tell you something," she replies. "We had a multiple choice test today. I don't do well on those, and I get really anxious. I think I got 2 out of 10 on the last one."
I nod, wondering where she is going with this.
K continues, "So today I decided to pray before the test. 'Lord, give me wisdom, and help me to be calm and not nervous.' Then I took the test and guess what I got? A 9 out of 10!"
She was so excited. I smiled.
She exclaimed, "I just realized, God answered my prayer! I just wanted to tell someone!" And then she went back to bed.

God is always with you, daughter.

December is upon us

It is December, and the Christmas season is well underway.

My stockings are hung, presents are being bought, parties are upcoming, and the music is playing. And there is a good focus on Jesus' birth, and the miracle that God wrought by becoming man.

However, I find myself stalking people on Facebook. Checking out photos or posts from those that have lost loved ones this year. I have had one not-close-at-all acquaintance from high school die this week. I remember passing her in the hall, she was one of those cute, peppy girls that seemed to be smart and well-liked. One of my bridesmaids lost her father on Thanksgiving. I remember going to her wedding and watching him, so proud of his daughter. And of course, there was a shocking celebrity death last weekend. But over the year, I think about others who've died - my college daughter's dear friend; another high school acquaintance; a child in high school that we were connected with; parents of church friends; the list goes on. Seeing death like this, I think, will become more commonplace, the older I get.

How do people convince themselves that death is something that just happens? That it is just part of life? I know some people that think this.

When I was in high school, I was an overly morbid teenager. I realize this is weird. I used to read articles of the Titanic sinking, or about the Nazi concentration camps, or about all kinds of historical happenings that resulted in mass amounts of death. Yes, I was studying history, but for some reason, reading this stuff made me really emotional. I have this strange empathetic ability that makes me really feel heartache. And that's what I felt in reading all of that back then.

Yet, I know now something I didn't then. I know that Jesus has conquered death. I know that this life is a momentary blip in the grand scheme of things. Still, that doesn't lessen my sadness for the families that may be spending the holidays without a loved one. How quick this life is! How wasteful it seems to spend time quarreling. How silly to be angry at obscure things...

My friend Melissa sent me this quote today, and I really liked it: "All we could ever imagine, could ever hope for, He is….He is the Prince of Peace whose first coming has already transformed society but whose second coming will forever establish justice and righteousness. All this, and infinitely more, alive in an impoverished baby in a barn.That is what Christmas means—to find in a place where you would least expect to find anything you want, everything you could ever want."  ~Michael Card, from The Promise

Even with the pain one might have from losing a loved one, there is still something more that can satisfy our greatest expectations, even when we don't feel it. Even when we feel like all is lost. Even when it seems as though nothing can ever be right again. There is hope, the strongest possible hope, in Jesus.

A Simple Thanksgiving

It's been a quiet month for me on the blogosphere. That means that I've had a month of not wanting to share or a month of too much busy-ness...or both. In this case, it's been both.

But I had a great time with family this past week. In the past four or five years, we've spent it with my family, usually with one or both of my sisters' families. Unfortunately, work and finances prevented travel this year, so we spent a quieter thanksgiving with my parents. It worked out just right.

On Wednesday morning, we travelled to my parents' after getting some doughnuts at Krispy Kreme...for which we paid $1.06. I had two free doughnut coupons and a free coffee coupon and that worked out great for the three of us! We all pretended to be different customers, which is always amusing for us. Somehow the three of us all enjoy playing little games on people which I'm sure people see right through. Anyway, after arriving on Wednesday afternoon, I prepped sweet potato casserole and a lima bean/broccoli casserole while the girls helped. On Wednesday night, mom made "chicken patties" (her description) which were really ground chicken burgers. K said they were like "Indian hamburgers." Apt description, yet they weren't bad! We also watched part 1 of the first Lord of the Rings movie.

Since I did prep work on Wednesday, Thursday was low key in the cooking department. A trip to my parents always means an adventure on Dad's computer, and this trip proved to be no exception. I put a password (finally) on Dad's router after explaining that people with smartphones could be stealing his internet. He proclaimed technology an anathema. Okay, not really, that was a dramatic re-enactment of his reaction. It was touch-and-go when I realized I didn't have the password to the router, but I was able to get it going with my supreme tech support skills. (this is ridiculous)

We ate. And ate. Green bean casserole and a rice dish with rolls along with turkey rounded out our meal. The fun thing is that Dad shared stories from when he first came over the US, and the girls seemed fascinated. In past years, they weren't quite mature enough to listen like that, but on this trip, they actually wanted to hear more. And I was glad that Dad got a chance to share that with them.

We headed for Black Thursday shopping at 6:30. We hit Old Navy (50% off!), Target (lines everywhere with shoppers looking like the Walking Dead), Kohl's (long waits but great deals), Shoe Station (waste of time), and Belk (too late). Somehow, I have learned how to shop with my daughters. I used to fight with both of them - with M at "Limited Too" and with K about not shopping at all - but we've learned to get along! And we know our limits too. The next morning, after a fitful night of sleep and dreams about missed deals, I got up and headed for more shopping with my parents at 8. World Market, Costco, and Belk again (while Dad went power walking). I finally stopped after another visit out after lunch, but instead of relaxing, I re-configured their TV-DVD-Soundbar setup. This is how I relax.

We headed home Saturday before the awful Iron Bowl, but only after lots of pictures and some attempts by Mom to give me more stuff, which I hate. I was mean and refused as much as possible (I was told this later by M and K). I did call and apologize the next day. I think these visits mean so much to them, but I realized today that they mean a lot to me, too.