The Hissy Fits

I am really, really selfish. In my church group, I say that I am, but then in my secret thought life, I think I'm not really that bad and that God has knocked that out of me.

I'm such a liar.

God has been showing me in my marriage how selfish I am. When you're a single mom and raising two teenagers, it's really hard to get everything done and you don't and you basically try to get the most important things done in a day and when someone upsets the apple cart with more to do then it becomes really easy to have hissy fits and talk about how hard it is to be a single mom.

I'm not saying this to undermine my single mom self, this is just revealing what I did.

I had a hissy fit over getting laundry done, I had a hissy fit over not having dishes put away, I had a hissy fit when my daughter didn't do what I wanted her to in her dating life, I had a hissy fit when they misbehaved or weren't grateful enough or didn't work hard enough. I knew I was a sinner and the longer I was a single mom, the more I knew it.

They got older and they turned out to be amazing daughters and I was content. I thought God had taught me about myself and I was aware of my depravity. They still drove me crazy sometimes, but we all knew it.

Then, I got married again. And God continues to show me more and more depravity. Man, is it ugly.

Trying to be "content" when learning to live with someone else is ridiculous. It shows me how selfish I was when I was exercising "authority" over my daughters in the form of hissy fits. Try doing that when that someone is your husband. Doesn't work. It reveals the heart of the matter to be a real desire for control while pitching a hissy fit. That, and the fact, that everything I am asking for is reasonable...right?

I have apologized to my daughters, but I'm not sure that's enough. God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Seeking Out New Life

I can't sleep right now. It's butt-crack-early, and I'm thinking about what my life is as a believer of Jesus. This is not a light thought process you can have and go back to sleep.

Life has changed a lot for me in the last six months.

I got married.
I became an empty-nesting parent.
I became a step parent.
I am watching my parents make tough decisions about their final years.
I haven't been going to my home church every week.
I no longer write code at my job on a day-to-day basis. (this seems inconsequential compared to the others, but since I'm at work most of the day during the week, it's pretty huge)

In all of these life changes, God is at the center. And that is a tremendous comfort. But, it's also a game-changer in what I do with these changes.

In my first marriage, I was not a believer of Jesus for the majority of the time. In my second marriage, it's been part of who we are as a couple. God is there, at the center. Yes, my husband's personality is diametrically different from my ex-husband. Yes, I'm twenty-plus years older. But what does it really mean to be a believer in marriage versus not being a believer?

And what does it mean to be a parent who believes in Jesus versus being a parent without Jesus?

What does it look like when there are life-altering health issues for your parents as loved ones in this new world?

What does it mean when your day-to-day job changes?

Each of these questions deserves its own answer. It's not like I'm choosing to eat cereal every day for breakfast instead of eating a granola bar. The questions point to big events. But I think what we do in our daily lives should look different as believers for both big and small changes.

I have also learned is that what I do with each of these life changes looks different in spite of myself. My tendency in life is to have a "woe-is-me" attitude about change, or to be self-centered and want to show everyone that I'm pretty awesome for handling it all well (maybe to thoughtfully write about it in a blog), or to even not talk about changes but instead let others do the talking and let them tell me about their changes first and then quietly bring up an analogy in their change versus mine.

Thankfully, God is bigger than me and has changed me in ways I didn't even realize. More to come. 

Biblical Law and Grace vs. US Law and Common Grace

So, yesterday was the first day in Alabama that gays and lesbians could get married.

Coming from the liberal background that I do, I have come from the place that I value people for their individuality and been pretty much touchy-feely about people's rights. Realizing the sin of the world and how it impacted life, and that people are not essentially good, has been an interesting journey in my Christian life. You don't hear this in school. You hear that there is an intrinsic good. You read it in Anne Frank's diary and you start fawning over the idea that there is good in everyone, somewhere. And then I learned it was all bullcrap, at least biblically. So, people are sinful, and we struggle with that in our lives, even after we become believers. That's why we needed Jesus, because when we make the rules, we screw it up.

Back to the current issue, and my struggle with it. As far as gays, it's been in the last twenty years that we've seen a turnaround in public perception. During that time, I have not seen gays as "the enemy" nor have I seen them as people I couldn't relate to. I have good friends that are gay. I have studied scripture about the issue and I understand God's mandates in Romans, 1 Corinthians, and more. I know homosexuality is a sin.

The common phrase is, "love the person, hate the sin." But practically speaking, how does that work? And how does it work when the law of the land grants the right for gays to be married? And some of the gays might be people you interact with or even love?

I have three thoughts that I keep coming back to.

First, what is it about marriage that attracts non-believers? Why get married? It seems to me that it's about how US Law has defined marriage, and the rights and privileges that come with it. Tax benefits; death benefits; automatic immunity from testifying; and the list goes on and on. I'm listing the civil benefits. But for them, is there a bigger purpose? For their own happiness? I don't know the answers, because I'm not a non-believer any more. But if it is for civil reasons, then the government has already redefined marriage to something that really isn't scriptural. Marriage is not based on biblical law in the eyes of the United States.

Second, in 1973, there was a law that was passed that also was not based on God's mandates. It was called Roe v Wade, and it allowed abortion to be legal. People choose to have abortions, sometimes, and some of those people might claim to be Christians. However, God declared in scripture that he knew us from conception. I believe in His word that He says that the unborn are alive and that abortion is murder. Can I still support those that have abortions while disagreeing with the law? And does that mean that I can love gays while still believing wholeheartedly that marriage is between a man and a woman? Should I not stand for this premise just as I stand for life beginning at conception?

Third, if you go to a church that you believe is a Bible-believing church, and they begin to perform gay marriages, then you need to question their beliefs. Even if the government allows gay marriage under the law, a church that performs the ceremony is misinterpreting scripture. Period. 

Lastly, is the church, which seems to be fighting against gay marriage under the US law, not a bit hypocritical about other sin? Fornication (living together, having sex before marriage), divorce, love of money...I just think that we are standing on this precipice of gay marriage and declaring it a huge touchstone issue when we really have other touchstone issues that we do not think biblically about. I think we have to be prepared to look at the log in our eye related to all of this while also declaring that His word is what guides our lives, and pleasing Him might mean things that are uncomfortable for us. And somehow, we still declare God has sovereignty over this law, and give Him the glory.

The short of it is, this is not an easy place for Christians to be, as much as some might want to believe that the answer is very easy. 

The happiest place on earth, part 1

Early last year, KK asked, and asked, and asked, about when we were going to DisneyWorld. I knew that would take time and planning, and try as I might, I couldn't find a time when one girl wasn't in school. M started summer school three days after KK finished her spring semester. And going to Disney in August wasn't really an option. We looked at fall break, and realized there is no such thing in the county school system. So, it ended up being at Christmas, and we forced the issue by allowing KK to skip three days of school. I wrote a pathetic and obsequious letter to the principal about what a good student she was, and that we needed family time together, blah blah blah. Apparently he laughed and approved it.

We'd never been to Disney at Christmas. I was worried about crowd control, but did my usual thing and tried to book restaurants ahead of time. Normally, this is two or three months ahead of time, but since we didn't get all the details worked out early, it ended up being four weeks ahead. And, I found there was nothing available two weeks ahead of time, so it was a good thing I booked when I did. Disney has an app that allows you to do this, as well as see the line waits, and book FastPasses. 

When travelling with my girls, there is a sense of togetherness we have that is hard to match. Believe it or not, we've never been to Disney by ourselves, and I thought we might get sick of each other by the end, but we didn't!.We stayed at this place called the "B" resort, which is sort of a weird name if you ask me, aren't they good enough to be an "A" resort? 

We spent the first day at Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios. The decorations were great, but I have to admit I didn't really pay attention much at first to it. We headed first thing to one of our favorite rides, Expedition Everest. And we rode it twice since they had a single rider line and that was amazing! And it reminded us why we loved Disney so much. We really did our best to get to as many attractions as possible because we knew we'd only be at Animal Kingdom for part of the day. The Lion King show, A Bug's Life, and we stopped by several scenic places to make sure we got some pictures. It was a rush, but we did that and headed to Hollywood Studios. And that's where I noticed the decorations. I got pictures of the tree in front - each park has a huge tree at the front that is unique and beautiful. Of course, we had to go to Rock and Roller Coaster with our fastpass, and Tower of Terror, and we got our first character picture with Goofy in a Santa suit. I just found so many more things to see at this park, maybe because I wasn't rushing around to get to every ride. I was so surprised to see a large-scale nativity scene. There was also a festival of lights show that was incredible. We had to wait for it to start, and everyone lines up on the street like human cattle. It gave us a chance to rest, which I needed after being up til midnight the evening before. After getting more character pictures, we ended the day at the Sci-Fi Dine In Theater, a restaurant where you sit in a car and watch 50s sci-fi movies. Our waiter was from a carribean country, and he kept approaching our car by saying "Alabama!" I think it was meant to be welcoming. I think.

A good day. And more to come.

Boldly Going

I have searched for excellence in many things. The older I get though, the more it seems to slip through my fingers. By that, I don't mean that I care about it less, but rather that I can't seem to do things as well as I used to; it's harder to think intellectually about matters at times; and I can't learn things as fast as I once did. It's a struggle, getting older.

But I also go back to the fact that I don't want to care about excellence less. Rather, I think I care about it even more, but in a different way. I feel like I'm learning to be okay with taking things slower. I feel like it's okay to reflect more before making a decision. It's okay to listen, rather than talk over someone else.

Not everyone is this way. There are some people that have minds that seem to be just as sharp as they used to be. I was in work meetings this week, and I chose to sit back and listen, rather than argue points that I wasn't sure I cared about. Did my behavior mean I cared less about excellence at work? I'm still not sure. Maybe I'm just not sure that the fine points of who-is-in-charge-of-what work mean anything to me.

Last year, I was reading an issue of TableTalk magazine, and I found it quite compelling. It was about the "Ordinary Christian Life." Michael Horton wrote about this in a book called "Ordinary: Sustainable Faith in a Radical, Restless World." I think there seems to be a rebellion in the Christian community against "radical" faith, promoted by David Platt and Francis Chan, to remind believers that it's also okay to be "ordinary." Here is one particularly good passage from Burk Parsons:

The ordinary Christian life is not the opposite of the radical Christian life. The ordinary Christian lifeis a radical life. The ordinary Christian life is a life of daily trusting Christ; daily repenting of our sins; daily abiding in Christ; daily loving Christ; daily dying to self; daily taking up our crosses and following Christ; daily loving God and neighbor; and daily proclaiming the gospel to ourselves, our families, our friends, and our communities. Every Christian is an ordinary Christian, and every ordinary Christian is a radical Christian. 

Here's the link to the whole article: http://www.ligonier.org/learn/articles/radically-ordinary/.

It seems to me that Burk Parksons and Michael Horton are not saying that it's wrong to live radical, changed lives. I do heartily endorse the idea of living "ordinarily": by God's grace, living under grace and glorifying Him in all we do, especially if it's at work, with kids, and loving others. But I also love seeing God take hold of believers and doing incredible things with them: transplanting them to Los Angeles; enabling them to adopt babies from China; taking them to Spain, Asia, and other locales to spread the gospel. I'm just in awe over how God works differently in everyone's life. Maybe the real problem is that we are jealous. That when we look at others and wish for some particular excitement in ministry to apply to us, we really need to remind ourselves: "That is not my story." When we have to bear the hard times and watch loved ones die of cancer, and wish that wasn't happening, we are enabled to handle it by His grace because: "That is my story." When we are at work, and wondering if we are doing the work that He gives us, we tell ourselves: "This is the story that I have right now. Live it."

I'm still wondering if I'm giving Him the proper glory at work. I'm not sure. But I'm boldly approaching the throne of grace, seeking His will for my life there.

A New Year

I've been reflecting during the holiday season (and the first week of the year) about changes. Changes, they are a'comin.

I often talk about KK having a hard time with changes. I will talk about her reluctance to go to preschool, and how she cried every day for about three months. Then, she had the hardest time with Kindergarten, and wishing she were back at preschool. Ditto with middle school, and high school. But when I look at my own non-checkered and boring past, I can't say that I am much better. Note that I am not living in the big city like my sisters, I really only live two hours away from my parents. And I've been here since I went to college. I've been at the same job for 16 years now. I lived a very single life for about 10 years. Change? I run screaming from it.

This year is smack full of it. KK will be graduating and I will be getting married. And I'm slightly fearful in the same way I'd be fearful if I were starting a new job, or moving to a new town. I'd be questioning my every decision, wondering why I didn't stick it out and persevere in my previous state. It's not that I don't want KK to graduate, or that I don't love my fiance. Quite the contrary. I know this is right. However, in my head, I might be ready for change, but in my heart, I struggle with the flux and feelings and discomfort that come with life changes.

And then thankfully, the word of God penetrates my stubborn consciousness. This is something that doesn't always happen but it calms me like nothing else. From 1 Corinthians 5:17: "The old shall pass away, and the new shall come." We were made into a new creation, and that change was the biggest of all. And I didn't even realize it at the time! Many Christian fictional books present the idea that there is such a peace that comes over you when you become a believer, and people just become gentler and "good" all of a sudden. I didn't have that, and I don't think many believers do. I didn't have that moment of "oh, everything is good now!" It has come from long study and a desire to learn more about Him, and a desire to focus less on me.

How can we handle change? Knowing there is a purpose, and that God will sustain and keep us. Knowing that there are good things coming, and that when there are hard times, that I can lean on Him. Knowing I have memories of the previous way things were, and that I have peace about those times. Knowing that I've had bad times but God worked things out for the good of those who love Him.

No resolutions this year. Just a desire to hang on for the roller coaster ride and enjoy it.

From Ecclesiastes 3:

1For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

2a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

3a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.