Holding on to what I know is true

I'm in a lost and overwhelmed place this Saturday and I'm not sure how to get out. A turn of phrase struck me while I was trying to focus on the book of Matthew today; from Matthew 24: "abomination of desolation." What an image the turn of phrase evokes.

Humility

It's humbling how I learn, every day, that I am not in control.
It's humbling how the Lord provides when we are at our lowest, or at our highest.
It's humbling that He works out our messes for His glory.
It's humbling the call that He places on people's hearts; people that don't know one another; but He works out these relationships and provides in His own timing.
It's humbling that while we feel inept, inefficient, and even worthless, He's able to use this.
It's humbling that we have seasons in our lives that prepare us for the next, and He is ready.
It's humbling that my story is really His.

Gagging, hurling, vomiting, violence

Someone I know posted on facebook about how the best gift in the world is the pure, unadulterated love of a child. For whatever reason, this induced my gag reflex and made me almost hurl. I'm hoping in these maudlin posts about my daughter growing up that it's clear that my first problem is that I'm going to miss her and worry about her, but it should be made clear that she's also completely human, ridiculously taciturn, and occasionally quite moody. Secondly, I'm worried about living in my house alone with my OCD second child who can be a pill particularly when she orders me around about what things I need to work on that day. And typically her list is at the end of mine. We might kill each other next year. Thirdly, I'm thinking that after the second child graduates, I might end up getting a lot of pets and being that weird neighbor that people try to avoid.

I think these are all very good reasons for me to not want my children to get older. I am not a big fan of the whole "my life is wonderful and my kids are the best" facebook picture that seems to be prevalent. The only reasons I post pics on FB is to make sure my family knows what we look like and also to make my children look like the most popular kids at school. This is what pure, unadulterated love on this side of heaven is: take, take, take from each other and make ourselves look better than the next family. Women bloggers and facebookers that tell me only about their perfect children without discussing that the children are also pains in the asses really make me want to vomit and be violent.

Having now made it clear that M is not an ideal child, she did send me this text yesterday, on her last day of high school: "Thanks for those muffins you made me for breakfast!!! Thanks for birthing me that was nice too. And for taking me to kindergarten.... just awesome"

I am still suspicious that it was actually M that typed this.

Heard in my car this morning

E is one of K's good friends.

E: "We found a cocker spaniel last night. It's so cute and sweet, but it has a tag, so we're trying to find the owner.  We have an illegal number of pets, anyway, so we can't keep it."
K: "I didn't even know there was an illegal number. Maybe we can keep it at my house."
Me: "No."
K: "When I graduate, I'm getting a dog." (when she leaves, I might get one just to annoy her)

E: "It must be so hard to be an old person. You can't do things anymore."
K: "Yeah, really, when you think about it, these are the best years of our lives."
Me: "Wait a minute. How old is old?" (no response)

E: "There's a chicken! A baby chicken on the road!"
K: "What? Where?"
Me: "It's weird that two times in the last week we've seen chickens on the road. Except last time they were all dead and skinless." (road closed due to chicken truck losing its contents. disgusting)

K: "My grandpa went to Walmart one time, and when he left, some people yelled at him, 'Hey chicken legs!'"
E: "Well, my grandpa's fat. But still, he's not as big as my dad...but I'm not calling my dad fat."
K: "Um, fail."

Then I dropped them off and pondered the vagaries of middle school girls.

Memory and the Lack Thereof

Over the last two weeks, I've really been struggling with remembering stupid things. I've forgotten my work badge a few times, which means I can't even get into the damn office. I forget my phone/backpack all the time by leaving them in conference rooms, and it's kind of a running joke at the office, but lately it's been downright embarassing. I've been forgetting too many items in the girls' schedules. I've been forgetting things I've promised people in casual conversations. I've been forgetting if I sent an email, or a text, or returned a phone call.

Part of the reason I've been writing more is to remember what it's like to focus, to craft a sentence/paragraph, and put real thought into what I'm saying. Part of the reason I think it's good for me to play word games is to keep my brain active and not on autopilot. Part of the reason that my forgetting things is so discouraging is that I guess I thought with the kids getting older and less busy, I might be able to remember more about these stupid things.

So either I'm expecting too much of myself, I'm getting old, or I don't give a flying fig. Might be all three.

Joy

In my Sunday School class and in our sermon today, there were references to joy. I know these are not coincidences. Can we find joy here? Can we be joyful, in spite of the wreckage, the staleness, the putridness of our sin? I think we can. I think we can long for heaven in such a way that we appreciate the fact that we're already in, even though we're still here. I don't think it's an easy battle, though, nor can we manufacture a "feeling" out of thin air or memories. Still, our pastor's analogy today was about that temporal joy you feel when you see your team win a critical football game; when you see Frodo make it to Mount Doom in spite of Gollum's efforts; when you see Luke saved by Darth Vader at the end of the third Star Wars movie. That gut-wrenching excitement is a window into the joy we might feel in the presence of the most High, but it's not momentary. John Piper said in Sunday School (we just watched a video, he didn't just show up): being in His presence is SO much better than the best meal with the best wine, it's so much better than sex. I also love this article.

I want to ask myself what I must DO to know this everlasting joy and to be able to know it visibly, in spite of the ugliness of the world. In this week where my boss is going to be here, in this week where I'm trying to figure out if I need to throw a graduation party but I don't know what to do, in this week that I'm frustrated that I can't seem to do any planning in my personal life, in this week where I can't seem to do anything to help my town because I work from 8 to 5...I will be in earnest prayer over joy.

Looking back and looking ahead

The little girl on the left went to her first day of public school, excited and slightly fearful. She had a great first day, but her teacher noted that she needed to watch her usage of glue. She's now approaching her last week of high school. She seems to be doing much better with glue.



She spent most of the day with me. We cleaned, shopped, and were generally lazy. As an aside, she told me I was an embarrassment to the couponing community, and she brought me burnt cookies for dessert. I wouldn't trade her for anything.

Questions from Special K

Questions over the last couple of days from my girl and my abbreviated answers in parens.

In heaven are there trees and beaches? (yes)
In heaven do we think the same way? (no)
In heaven will we remember our lives here? (um think so)
Do you think I'm pretty? (yes)
Do you think I'm annoying? (sometimes)
What is looting? (sigh)
Why did you guys get a freakin divorce? It makes everything so complicated. (big sigh)
I can't trust you, Mom, I've decided. (oh wait, not a question)

Sweetness

I stared at blogs for hours last night. It's like I want some peace from external sources; like pithy, emotion-inducing, witty comments might make it better; it's like I can't focus and want some words to draw me back towards sanity. I don't want to do that tonight, so I'm writing now, while I'm finishing up work, so the only thing I do tonight is shop for M's graduation computer. Which definitely needs to be purchased!

Some sweet things I want to remember....
1) Doing backbends with Beth on tornado day, and surprising myself that I could still do them;
2) Doing ab exercises with K and her friend J on tornado day, again surprising myself that I was actually pretty decent;
3) Praying with sweet friends at church in a small group, including Jimmy, Lowell, Monica, and the girls;
4) Mom and Dad pretty much begging me to visit them while I had no power;
5) Getting help from the ex and from my co-worker while working at Sandra's house;
6) Being fed by a church that had its building really jacked up in the storm;
7) Getting texts, emails, IMs, and phone calls from so many friends starting the day of the storm through the weekend. I got phone calls from my ex-mother-in-law, my sisters' two mothers-in-law, and then got made fun of by Beth because I have no mother-in-law of my own - have to laugh about that;
8) Seeing people drive carefully and with patience, knowing our town's upside down in that regard;
9) Witnessing the giving of time, money, and love in mass proportions; and being able to help my friends Allen and Diane who went above and beyond last year helping me move;
10) Knowing I was with my girls through much of this, and when I wasn't, Beth had them well in hand.

1 John 3:23

And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us.

The week that was, part 2

On Thursday night, Beth and I drove around I-359 and then Hargrove/Hackberry; we also went to the hospital to view the damage from the 6th floor. Broken car windows. Fallen trees. People walking everywhere.

On Friday, we got up at 5 and watched the royal wedding. We were so excited to realize we had cable at Beth's. She and I just wanted to see the silly thing. She woke me, and we got in her living room and spoke in British accents and made fun of hats. Seemed so frivolous, yet something I needed to do at the same time. I left for work early, and spent the whole day at work, doing who knows what. The one thing I do remember is going up to the roof at 10 am and watching Air Force One fly in.

I worked this weekend at different houses. Rosemont. Cedar Crest. Claymont. All neighborhoods I've driven by or through. Devastated beyond belief. I spent time assessing devastation, dragging tree limbs, packing up personal belongings, moving bricks, seeing people take care of one another.

I've been blogging about this to help me. However, this "healing process" from the tornado seems kind of shallow for me. My house lost power. I got it back on Saturday and almost cried at the supermarket while buying groceries. WTF, really. My sense of normal has changed, but my house is still here. So is my family.  I still feel a sense of heaviness. And powerlessness. And a need to do something. Even though I did stuff this weekend, the loss is still there. Being at home for a few days now makes me realize that I miss the companionship in sharing with another adult and talking through emotions, experiences, and silly things, too.

We heard on Sunday from the pulpit - several verses from the book of Job, chapter 38.

25 "Who has cleft a channel for the torrents of rain and a way for the thunderbolt, 26 to bring rain on a land where no man is, on the desert in which there is no man, 27 to satisfy the waste and desolate land, and to make the ground sprout with grass? 28 "Has the rain a father, or who has begotten the drops of dew? 29 From whose womb did the ice come forth, and who has given birth to the frost of heaven? 30 The waters become hard like stone, and the face of the deep is frozen. 31 "Can you bind the chains of the Pleiades or loose the cords of Orion? 32 Can you lead forth the Mazzaroth in their season, or can you guide the Bear with its children? 33 Do you know the ordinances of the heavens? Can you establish their rule on the earth? 34 "Can you lift up your voice to the clouds, that a flood of waters may cover you? 35 Can you send forth lightnings, that they may go and say to you, 'Here we are'? 36 Who has put wisdom in the inward parts or given understanding to the mind? 37 Who can number the clouds by wisdom? Or who can tilt the waterskins of the heavens, 38 when the dust runs into a mass and the clods stick fast together?"

This is God. We must hold Him in awe. We must realize we are NOT in control. He has the power to giveth and He has the power to taketh away. And that is the way it must be, if anything in this world is His. Help me, Lord. I desire to be held, to be protected, to be comforted right now. I do not often feel this way for a long period of time; I've learned to block that, so I usually only feel it for moments at a time. But I've needed a long hug for days now, but my heart knows it needs You in that hug. Lord, draw me to You and only You. Help me desire to worship You first and foremost rather than the "work" that is so draining. Help me to do the work when I'm called, but only in gratitude out of what You have done for me.

The week that was, part 1

K woke me up on Wednesday, April 27, at 5 am and said, "Mom! It's so scary outside! It's crazy weather!" I groggily asked if she wanted to get in bed with me. She said no, so I told her to go back to bed. What was there to worry about? Straight line winds and rainstorms. When we awoke, power was out and I knew schools were closed, and I'd worked til 6 the day before, so I went into work late. Several people worked from home. I went home at lunch because my power was back and I wanted to be with the kids; weather forecasters were saying the tornado threat looked bad. "Highest level of tornadic activity" is what I heard. OK, got it. We'll get downstairs. No need to panic.

Found out M had to go babysit a friend's child because the University wasn't closed. The mother was taking clases. I felt unsure about that, and thought about calling to tell the mom we were going to cancel and she needed to stay home. But, I thought, it would be fine, at least M was with a kid and providing support. She's 18, she needs to learn about these situations. No big deal. Then my power blinked again. Decided to go into work since I had a big demo for a billing system, which is my specialty. So I dropped K at our friend Beth's and went in to the office. James Spann was on all afternoon while I got ready and got my script for the demo ready. Again, no big deal; I knew people were leaving but I was planning on leaving right at 4:30.

We started 20 min late and I got nervous, I really needed to leave on time to try to be with one of my children. M called me during that time and said she was heading home, that someone had come to take care of the child she was sitting. I told her to go to Beth's, which she did straightaway. I really did the demo on autopilot, and I went as quickly as I could, explaining that I needed to leave right at 4:30. And at 4:30, the other VP on the call said, "P needs to leave." The other VP was already at home. Easy beasy, right? I saw a few people were still at the office, and one of them confirmed that I had time to get home. So I left for Beth's, we went to the basement, and camped out. I beat it by about 15 minutes.

And then I really watched TV. We watched James Spann announce a twister on the ground of Tuscaloosa. And we saw it. My mouth dropped open. It was huge. I looked over at M, and she knew, too. It was so large, a mile across, they said. It was a "black monster" surrounded by debris balls. And I realized...the debris balls were cars, houses, businesses, and possibly people. I couldn't take it in. It was near the hospital. And within 10 minutes, it was over. We lost power briefly but it came back on; but cable was off partway through the storm, so we'd gotten the weather radio out. I'd left my phone at work, and so M called Mom and Dad, texted several friends, and we found they were ok. I went back to work and got my phone. Lights were out at several intersections, but I knew downtown was ok. That was it.

Two hours later...found out M's friend's dad had died in the storm. I found out that 15th street was not so hot. I was devastated.

I didn't know how bad 15th was until the next day when I went in to the office...Hobby Lobby, Milo's, Krispy Kreme - all gone. My coworker's Sheila's house was obliterated, which was on Crescent Ridge Road, and she made it out by the skin of her teeth. Her neighbor didn't. My coworker's Jennings' apartment, which was on 15th Street. Found out Forest Lake had a lot of damage. 25 deaths. I couldn't concentrate and I left.