Marriage and its Seeming Impossibleness

As someone who has been single for ten years, I think about marriage a lot. And not in a "27 Dresses" kind of way.

I've already posted about men and women and their roles.
I've already talked about how I'm an unexpected single mom.

But I haven't talked about how hard my marriage was at times, and how I've seen this reflected in other marriages. I haven't talked about our Sunday School class that we're in right now that is NOT ABOUT MARRIAGE (the elders repeat this over and over, it makes me laugh) but is rather about men and women. There are constant refrains in the lessons, though, and one of them is that we are sanctified through marriage. Sanctified. Big theological word. I define it as being made holy. Here's a post about sanctification, from ligonier.org, RC Sproul's ministry. It mentions the Westminster Shorter Catechism definition, which says "sanctification is “the work of God’s free grace, whereby we are renewed in the whole man after the image of God, and are enabled more and more to die unto sin, and live unto righteousness.”

I never understood that marital strife was common when I was married. Back then, I thought those tough times during marriage happened only to me. I thought I was long-suffering in some cases, and in others, I was not very good at being a partner. I thought it was about compromise. And I did think that we lost pieces of ourselves in marriage, but it was for the greater purpose of the family.

"How strange," I think, now. "Did I even understand anything?" I puzzle and grieve over my own sin pretty much every day. If you don't get the idea of sin and total depravity right, any humility you have will be false. And, you will not get it when you see your own sin staring back at you in an argument that you didn't start.

Here are some issues I didn't see that could help with my sanctification:
Moodiness. It happens to one of you, and the other has to deal with it.
Disagreements over _____ (money, raising kids, how to fold clothes, name it). One of you must be right, don't you think?
Not being enough to make the other person feel better. Isn't that what love is?
Temper. Enough said.
What are you saying? Sometimes you're just on two different wavelengths.
Body language that is so obviously saying something. No, I didn't just roll my eyes.
Foot in mouth disease. Did I just put you down, and in front of others? That's not what I meant.

Any of this sound familiar? It takes me back to how absolutely human I was. How human I still am. Just because I understand sin a little better (thanks to the Holy Spirit) doesn't mean that I won't fall prey to these thought patterns now. (yes, I know that was a double negative, get over it).

I've been exposed to people going through marital difficulties for the past four years. I've listened to them, talked with them about how they're acting, feeling, and reacting. I even spent some time recently with a non-believing couple. Boy, that was impossible for me to know what to say. After all, with all of the aforementioned issues, how is marriage supposed to thrive? The simple answer is that it's almost impossible without the gospel.

I don't claim to be a marital counselor. However, I also know that it takes two people in a marriage. It's usually one that wants to leave. Before it gets to that point, this is some of what I've learned that I didn't apply to my own marriage:

• Marriage is not for you to be happy. It is designed to be God-glorifying, so He must come first.
• It is designed to sanctify you.
• Marriage is NOT supposed to be easy. Two sinners living in a fishbowl, and all that.
• There should be compromise in marriage, but ultimately, there should be one person that is held accountable for the decision-making. Yes, it's the man. So, marry someone who will make decisions you can support.
• God makes things right. Not you. Listen to Him.

Here's another interesting point: I'm still being sanctified as a divorced Christian. To God be the glory.