I'm not a serial dater. This relationship that I'm now recovering from was the first time since my divorce that I've dated. That was, ahem, 11 years ago.
While this is not the same sort of break up as getting divorced, there have been similar feelings afterward. You can't be in love with someone and have a break up be clean and painless. What I was reflecting on today is my desire to really find healing through the ways of the world. I feel drawn to:
- Drinking and really over-doing it and drowning my sorrows in red wine
- Partying it up with friends as much as possible
- Being as busy as possible to avoid hurting, like running 5Ks and feeling accomplished from that
- Reading self-help articles to find the "inner winner"
- Convincing myself that I'm still worthy based on physical, intellectual, or other attributes
- Looking for ways to criticize every man on the face of the earth
Okay, maybe the last one is not for every man. Just most men.
But you know what is really, really awesome? After the last eleven years, my weekly training ground of hearing the gospel at my church actually does make a difference. Hearing about what we can't do in and of ourselves, week in and week out, and knowing that it's the Holy Spirit that really does the work to change us: this actually is in my heart. I still hurt. I still grieve. But I am comforted nonetheless in the arms of the One who comforted David, who comforted Leah, who comforted the apostles. How does that happen? Not in and of ourselves, is my only answer. I didn't grow up in the church, I didn't learn catechism, I haven't read the Bible over 365 days, I am poor at memorizing scripture...but this weekly visit to my church teaches me how to live.
Having said that, if you catch me criticizing the idiocy of men, or defacing my own value, call me out on it.
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